4/24/2015

When One Is Feeling Stabby, One Should Take a Vacation

In case it wasn't obvious from the last few weeks, the Rude Pundit needs a little vacation before he ends up stabbing someone. Or many people, depending on how ambitious he's feeling.

Instead, he's gonna take the next week off from bloggery. So, like your favorite gay-cake-making bakers heading to Saugatuck in the summer, he's gonna close shop until May 4. He won't be on The Stephanie Miller Show this coming Monday. He might twitterize if he's feeling frisky. But mostly, the Rude Pundit's gonna disconnect, get the hell out of Dodge, and chill the fuck out.

Peace, motherfuckers, peace.

Flags and Valdosta State University: Fuck All Y'all

Fuck this guy:


Fuck Eric Sheppard not because he's walking on a flag in the middle of the campus of Valdosta State University in Georgia. Only an idiot or a ratings-mongering conservative would give a jolly rat's shit about that. Fuck him not even because his reason for walking on the flag is not police brutality or war or money in politics or anything that might make a guy want to walk on a flag. It's not because he did it because, as he said in a YouTube video, "That flag represents white supremacy racism which is plaguing the entire earth, so when we step on that flag we are stepping on racism, white supremacy. We are stepping on the things that were erected alongside our genocide and our holocaust."

Fuck him because while he was asserting his First Amendment rights in a public place by explaining his reasons for putting out a flag and walking on it, he said to people listening, "Ya'll can come in and listen if you're going to truly inquire and not try to interject while I am speaking." Step on all the flags you want, man, but don't be an egotistical asshole. And then, when someone else spoke in the distance, Sheppard told his audience, who might have been looking to see who that was, "I want ya'll focusing on me." Yeah, fuck him.

By the way, Sheppard is wanted by police for bringing a gun to campus. Will the NRA defend his Second Amendment rights?

By the way, the reason anyone even heard of this is because a female veteran, Michelle Manhart, stole the flag to try to stop the protest. Then she resisted arrest. Being white, she was not shot.

Still, even more so, fuck these idiots:


Those are the gathered fucknuts and attention whores who think they're "defending" the American flag. It's a "Flags Over VSU" event today, with supposedly a couple of thousand people, all with flags, all showing they love the Stars and Stripes, although you can bet nearly everyone of them has left little flags on their cars until they became filthy and ragged, worse than any stomping would do. VSU canceled classes because of the protest and fears of violence.

Most especially, though, fuck this guy:


Just because, man. Just because.

4/23/2015

Bobby Jindal Writes an Editorial

Gov. Bobby Jindal was in his office in the tall capitol building in Baton Rouge, Louisiana. He had his secretary, Zack, seated at his desk, fingers ready on the keyboard of a computer running Windows 8 while Jindal paced the floor. The governor was pondering the best approach to the opinion piece he was about to dictate, one that was going to run in the New York Times, bastion of secular liberalism. He wanted to tell the nation, no, the world that he was standing firm on protecting innocent Christians from abuse by bullying gays. He thought for a moment and then turned to Zack (whose real name was "Mandip," but he had watched Saved by the Bell as a child) and said, "I've made a decision. I'm going to suck all the cocks."

Zack was shocked. "Really?" he asked his boss. "All of them? One or two would be enough."

Jindal stood firm. "Line 'em up. I'm gonna blow every cock around. I'll even wrestle a few away from Christie and Rand and Ted, if I have to, and suck those cocks." He licked his lips. "Let's do this." He smiled, which chilled Zack because when Bobby Jindal grins, he looks like a brown version of the Joker.

Cock after cock entered and exited Jindal's mouth as the governor dictated his editorial. "Large corporations recently joined left-wing activists to bully elected officials," he sucked off. "Political leaders in both states quickly cowered amid the shrieks of big business and the radical left." That cock blew its load and Jindal gobbled it up, his Adam's apple bobbling like a running goat's testicles.

He took another one, deep-throating it, with "We should ensure that musicians, caterers, photographers and others should be immune from government coercion on deeply held religious convictions." Oh, yeah, Jindal thought, shove that cock harder, harder, yeah. And then, sucking like a Dyson struck by lightning, Jindal swallowed, "I hold the view that has been the consensus in our country for over two centuries: that marriage is between one man and one woman. Polls indicate that the American consensus is changing — but like many other believers, I will not change my faith-driven view on this matter, even if it becomes a minority opinion."

As Jindal blew more and more cocks, Zack tried to stop him. "Governor, stop, please, you don't have to suck every cock."

Zack could barely make out Jindal's words through all the cock: "No. I have to. All the cocks." And then he took another one with "The left-wing ideologues who oppose religious freedom are the same ones who seek to tax and regulate businesses out of existence." Zack had to turn away for a moment when Jindal engorged the whole of a giant scabby cock: "Louisiana has become one of the best places to do business in America." Then he almost threw up when Jindal grabbed an elderly, barely hard cock and "Hollywood and the media elite are hostile to our values."

Finally, after so long and so many cocks, Jindal, exhausted, chapped, bloated from semen, said, "Is that it, Zack? Is that all the cocks?"

"No, I think there's one more," Zack said, weeping a little.

Jindal took that last cock in his mouth and attacked it like a dog on a water hose: "Those who believe in freedom must stick together: If it’s not freedom for all, it’s not freedom at all."

Zack wrapped up his typing. He promised Jindal that he'd proofread it and send it off to the Times. The room smelled of cum and sweat and desperation. The governor said he'd go clean up. Maybe brush his teeth and prep his asshole. He had a meeting with Sheldon Adelson's people next.

4/22/2015

In Brief: Two Paragraphs That Show You What It's Like to Be Poor in America in 2015

1. From "This Is What Poverty in Jamestown, Tennessee Looks Like" by Scott Rodd:

"'I know older people on Social Security that draw $575 a month,' she said, shaking her head. 'You can’t survive off that. So a lot of them have no choice but to sell their pills to supplement their income.'"

By the way, the median income of people in Jamestown is $12,800 and 56% of the population lives under the poverty line. The article talks about the wretched living conditions of people on Sunshine Lane, a street in the town. Google Street View stops at the edge of it. Jamestown is close to Big South Fork National River and Recreation Area, one of the prettiest areas of the Eastern United States.

2. From "Texas Sends Poor Teens to Adult Jail for Skipping School" by Kendall Taggart and Alex Campbell:

"She was booked into jail again, and after a restless night she was once again brought in front of a judge to find out how long she’d be behind bars — and how many days of school she would miss. It came down to how much she owed in fines. For four truancy charges and four charges of failure to appear, she owed $2,729. Her mom was unemployed at the time."

The whole article is filled with stories of kids skipping school. Remember when that was something we laughed at and dismissed? Remember how kids used to be sent to detention or suspended or, in the worst case, expelled for it? Public schools have successfully criminalized students and deputized teachers and administrators. If you're middle-class, you can negotiate your way out of a great deal of the grief. If you're poor, you are subject to the whims of a justice system that seeks to punish you for existing.

At some point, we're going to have to do something about how we treat the poor in this country. If the nation doesn't, if politicians continue to ignore the issue of poverty, the poor might just realize that all those guns the NRA has guaranteed they can bear might have another use.  And the United States will have no one to blame but itself.

4/21/2015

Ted Cruz and Domestic Terrorists Are Not That Different

Gerbil-faced bastard Ted Cruz, Republican senator from Texas, talks a big fuckin' game, man. In a conversation with young Republicans on Saturday, Cruz expounded on the threat that is Barack Obama: "Obama is a disaster because he’s an unmitigated socialist, what he believes is profoundly dangerous, and he’s undermined the Constitution and the role of America in the world." Cruz may as well have followed that up with "And he's raping the fuck out the Statue of Liberty while shitting on the flag."

Think about that for a moment. The presidential candidate thinks that the current president wants to subvert the nation. In fact, by Cruz's definition, Obama is a traitor who is putting American lives at risk. If that's the case, Senator Cruz, why aren't you calling for Obama's immediate arrest? Why aren't you leading a squad of armed patriots to take the country back? Jesus Christ, man, that shit's scary. Are we really going to gamble the sovereignty of the nation on another 20 months of an Obama presidency? Are you a pussy? Running for president won't stop Obama. You must just be a pussy who's all talk.

And all it takes is one tri-corner hat-sporting fucknut to take Cruz at his word and do the job himself or herself.

This is what the presidential race is going to be like. It'll be rhetoric heightened right up to the point of declaring President Obama an imminent threat to the country but backing off before taking it to the next logical step. It's gonna be terrorism without the commitment. It's one thing for a candidate to say that the current president has shit policies, but when you take a long walk down Crazytown Road, against the dude who won two elections, you've pretty much announced that you're not a serious person.

But, then again, Cruz mocks the serious people as "moderates," and that'll work on the yahoos, droolers, and mutants who make up the Republican base. New Jersey's most-hated yoga ball, Chris Christie, went fully into the demented blue yonder at a New Hampshire town hall: "I feel like we really have had a President for the last six and a half years that we still don't even know. We don't know what he really believes in. We don't know what he really is willing to fight for. We don't know whether he's really willing to fight for anything. We don't know who he really likes or dislikes. We don't know whether he really cares about his own party, or the other party, or about the country."

Most of us hear that and think, "The fuck are you talking about, hoss? You ever watch the news or listen to the man?"

But if you hear that and think, "Yeah, I don't know shit about Obama other than he's an unmitigated socialist who is profoundly dangerous," then 2016 is going to be an election cycle of orgasmic joy for you.

4/20/2015

Shut the Fuck Up and Support Hillary: A Message of Blind Hope

Yeah, yeah, yeah, the Rude Pundit feels your pain. He'd love, love, love for a real liberal to run for president. He says this pretty much every election, often supports whatever quixotic candidate is taking a shot this time until he (and, sadly, it's only been "he") drops out, and then votes for the moderate who he mostly agrees with on Supreme Court picks. In 2008, he supported Barack Obama because he thought the movement Obama had started would be transformative, not realizing that the president cared less about the movement than about governing from the presumptive middle (which, truth be told, Obama's pretty damn good at). Obama didn't move left. The middle moved right.

This time, though, it seems as if we're not getting the token liberal. And we're not getting anyone of color. Those who are remaining are either the white liberals who say they're not running - Elizabeth Warren and Bernie Sanders - and the white dude who might - Martin O'Malley. If that liberal appeared, the Rude Pundit would love to jump on that bandwagon. But he or she won't be there this time. As much as we want to say that Hillary Clinton should have a primary candidate or whatever other bullshit we want to hide behind, the truth of the matter is, as everyone knows, very, very simple. Hillary Clinton is the nominee. She is more or less running as an incumbent. Last week, the Rude Pundit said this and was attacked on Twitter (which is the rhetorical equivalent of a gnat buzzing by you) for being racist because somehow he was dissing Obama. Sorry, but, Alan Keyes' paranoia aside, Obama can't run. And there is no man or woman of color who is even on the bench at this point, something that better be corrected or the Democrats will seem as out of touch as the Republicans.

So what are we left with? 18 months of bitching about what Hillary Clinton is not? 18 months of pretending like that will do a fucking thing to move her to the left on some of her positions? No, what'll it do is, one more time, take the left out of the equation. Because if there's one thing that Team Clinton knows is that most of the people who complain about her not being progressive enough on Wall Street, on foreign affairs, on immigration reform, will still vote for her because who the fuck else are they gonna vote for her? The ones who promise more Scalias and Alitos? Mike Huckabee? Jeb goddamn Bush?

Oh, you can say, "Well, I'll just stay home," and then you're a selfish fucking idiot who doesn't give a shit about the future. In her powerful Facebook post on how women of color should confront a Hillary Clinton candidacy, Jada Pinkett Smith (yeah, a celebrity) says, "The only question I have been asking myself is if I’m suppose to vote for Hillary because she is a woman; will she take us to the mountaintop with her or will women of color once again be left out and left behind?" But she concludes in the most hopeful way possible: "Women of color and white women have been taking on the majority of their fights on the political platform on separate lines; can Hillary Clinton change that legacy through her journey to become president? Because if she can...she would not only have my vote...but she would have my heart." You got that? Pinkett Smith says that she is voting for Hillary Clinton. But she wants Clinton to be something more.

That's why the title of this post is not a threat. It's not marching orders. It's an opportunity. What if the left coalesced behind Clinton and did so early? Clinton has already made one of her big issues a constitutional amendment restricting money in politics. That's some Lawrence Lessig-level shit right there, even if she's raising metric assloads of cash to run for president. What if, instead of the usual cycle of pretending we can get a moderate candidate to veer left by viciously tweeting and blogging and giving Fox "news" a chance to say, "See? The Left doesn't like Hillary," we just said, "Fuck it. We back her. Now let's talk policy"? What if we made ourselves players instead of giddy, powerless outsiders?

Obviously, it could backfire. Obviously, the votes could be taken for granted and Clinton could play us like we've been played so many times (and that's especially true for people of color). But that's what will happen if liberals decide to be the headless opposition, as we learned with Bill Clinton, as we learned, to an extent, with Barack Obama. At the very least, a different tactic during campaign season would force Clinton to deal with liberals in a different way. If there's one thing that we know about Hillary Clinton, it's that she can eviscerate or at least isolate those who seek to destroy her or her family.

And we know that she privileges loyalty. Maybe this time we could play it differently. Just shut the fuck up. Stop acting like there's gonna be any other choice. And behave as if this is the only one we have. Resignation doesn't have to be defeat.

4/17/2015

Louisiana Ain't Screwing Around on Same-Sex Marriage

Unlike those pussy states Indiana, Arkansas, and Georgia, Louisiana will not be out-rednecked when it comes to discriminating against LGBT residents who want to get married. Sorry - when it comes to the religious freedom for Louisiana's people to pick and choose which parts of the Bible they want to enforce.

See, the previous states all called their bills a "Religious Freedom Restoration Act," which makes it sound like everyone just wants to live and let live when it comes to however you want to pretend there's an invisible sky wizard fucking around in humans' lives. But Louisiana's religious conservatives in the legislature tossed that shit and said it plain. HB 707 is the motherfuckin' "Marriage and Conscience Act," so no one can be confused about what's what.

It's about as straightforward and not open to interpretation as can be: "Notwithstanding any other law to the contrary, this state shall not take any adverse action against a person, wholly or partially, on the basis that such person acts in accordance with a religious belief or moral conviction about the institution of marriage." That Indiana bill that caused the big uproar didn't even have the word "marriage" in it.

There's even a pie-in-the-sky-are-you-shittin-us section about how allowing for discrimination will contribute to a more tolerant society: "Laws that protect the free exercise of religious beliefs or moral convictions about marriage will encourage private citizens and institutions to demonstrate similar tolerance and therefore contribute to a more respectful, diverse, and peaceful society." You got that? If you're free to tell the marrying queers that they can't have their reception in your nice hall, you make this a better country for all of us.

The author of the bill is State Representative Mike Johnson, who comes from the shitkicker District 8 in Bossier Parish, tucked under Arkansas (which didn't mention marriage in its failed religious freedom restoration bill) and across the Red River from the much more racially diverse Shreveport. Yeah, Johnson won in a special election back in February of this year, with a bio that reads like a fuck dream involving Jerry Falwell, a big crucifix, and a half-empty jar of Vaseline: "Mike has provided legal representation and consultation to many national organizations as well, including: the Family Research Council, Focus on the Family, Concerned Women for America, the National Day of Prayer Task Force, Living Waters Publications/Way of the Master, Coral Ridge Ministries, the Fellowship of Christian Athletes, Answers in Genesis, and the National Council on Bible Curriculum in Public Schools."

Gov. Bobby Jindal, who looks like he swallowed at least one goat testicle that got stuck in his throat, supports the hell out of the bill because it's not like he has a record to run on for president. But already, the Louisiana Chamber of Commerce, being concerned about, you know, commerce, has said, "Whoa, whoa, what the fuck are you doing?" And IBM, which is a big employer in the state, put out a statement to Jindal that said, "IBM has made significant investments in Louisiana including most recently a technology services delivery center in Baton Rouge, creating new jobs for Louisiana workers.We located the center in Baton Rouge because we believe Louisiana has great talent and would continue to be a rich source of such talent.  However a bill that legally protects discrimination based on same-sex marriage status will create a hostile environment for our current and prospective employees, and is antithetical to our company’s values."

Who knows if the thing will pass? Weirder shit has happened lately. But you can bet that the glory-seeking nutzoids will always try to appeal to their mad minions. 

4/16/2015

Racist Idiot Loses His Business Because He's a Racist Idiot

Jim Boggess is a motherfucking idiot. About as stupid as a shithead can be. Boggess owns - no, wait...owned a deli in Flemington, New Jersey. He obviously gets his political views shoved down his throat and up his ass in a Chinese fingercuffs fucking by Rush Limbaugh and Sean Hannity, with internet rage mavens jacking off on him as he is thrusted back and forth between talk radio and Fox "news." So he decided, as any good business owner would, to put his opinions on race right on the front of his place, Jimbo's Deli on Main Street.

How startlingly, breathtakingly, mouth-droolingly dumb is Jim Boggess?  This fucking dumb:


And you'll never guess what Boggess said to explain his sign. No, really, go ahead and guess. Did he just say, "Ah, fuck it. I hate coloreds and immigrants"? Did he say, "Black History Month is bullshit"? No, of course not. Because contemporary racists aren't honest about their racism. He said, "No matter what you are -- Muslim, Jewish, black, white, gay, straight -- you should be proud of what you are. I shouldn't have to feel bad about being white."

When he was called on it by a biracial customer and eventually took the sign down, Boggess said, really, "I never meant it to be a black/white thing. I only meant it to be a white thing." The deli man also made reference to a website for White History Month, which is supposedly going on now. A Facebook page for the celebration is a charming mix of anti-Obama shit and, strangely, a whole bunch of stuff on how blacks in Africa are mean to white people.

And now Boggess has gone out of business, closed the deli, and is begging for money on Go Fund Me, perhaps hoping for a little of that homophobic green that let Memories Pizza's owners in Indiana make sacks of coin. Says Boggess, who has earned $20 as of today, "I don't think I deserve this just because I wanted to be proud of being white and be able to celebrate my heritage like everyone else does." Self-awareness is obviously not Jimbo's strong suit.

Boggess should become an example in colleges about how capitalism operates: if you offend everyone except a narrow bunch of fucknuts, the market will wipe you off the map. And if you gamble your business on the stupidity people forward you or post on your Facebook wall, you reap what you have sown.