3/06/2015

Dumb Dumbasses Acting Dumb: Tennessee Sen. Mike Bell Is a Dumbass Towards Women


That goateed, grinning dipshit is State Senator Mike Bell of Tennessee, a place that's working really fuckin' hard to dick over the women who live there. Bell and an assortment of GOP pricks, cunts, and assholes voted to end the funding for the Women's Economic Council, which had been in operation for 17 years.

At a hearing on continuing the Council, Bell, the chair of the General Operations Committee, asked a question that only sexist fuckwads with no idea about history or present reality could ask: "With women making up 51 percent of the population of the state, why don’t we have a men’s economic council?" Really, man? Really? Yeah, really: "Why don’t we have a Hispanic council, why don’t we have an African-American economic council, why don’t we have this group and that group, why do we have a women’s economic council and why is it needed?"

To her credit, Phyllis Qualls-Brooks, the executive director of the council, didn't leap over the table to beat Bell to a pulp with a copy of The Second Sex. Instead, she said, "Because men basically are running everything anyway." And that'd be hilarious if the Tennessee legislature was more than 20% women, which means that, basically, men are running everything. Unfortunately, that 20% includes the Republican women, who are more than glad to do the bidding of the men, like completely nutzoid Senator Mae Beavers (giggle, if you need to), who spoke against funding the Council.

Bell responded to Qualls-Brooks in the classiest way possible. He said, "I need to tell my wife that men are running everything." The Rude Pundit knows what you're thinking: "Wait, some woman married that guy?" 

3/05/2015

The Hillary Industrial Complex Gets Back to Work

Oh, listen, dear, sweet, young, innocent readers, there was a time in a century past when an entire machine was constructed for the sole purpose of degrading and destroying President Bill Clinton and his wife, Hillary Clinton. It was a monstrous creation, all squeaky pistons and black smoke-belching ducts, leaving toxic waste wherever it was put to use. The machine was magical in that, all of a sudden, media stars were created by merely giving up their human bodies and becoming cogs in it. The surge of power and popularity in people like Rush Limbaugh and Bill O'Reilly were caused by the machine pumping its foul product through a pipe that went directly up the assholes of conservative commentators and spewed garbage right out of their mouths. Did you know that the only reason that Ann Coulter exists is because of the machine? That Fox "news" came to prominence because it was the machine's vilest output? And the people, oh, the people, dear children, how they gobbled up the trash left for them by the machine, not enough to bring down President Clinton, but enough to tarnish them in the eyes of a huge number of your parents and uncles and aunts so that the mere mention of a Clinton, now mostly Hillary, would remind them of the taste of the machine's effluvia and debris and cause them to reflexively roll their eyes in hateful pleasure.

This Hillary Clinton email story is not a story. Like every other supposed scandal involving the Clintons, it exists solely in the fevered minds of those who cannot stand them who desperately try to get us to think it's more than it is. Yet here we are, like it's the late 1990s all over again, except with better graphics.

The front of the Fox "news" website:


The front of Breitbart, which didn't exist back then, but is a stand-in for others that did:


And, of course, this wouldn't be complete without Drudge, which does look exactly the same:


Turn on conservative talk radio and it's Hillary for a good chunk of the time. The machine is gearing up for the big presidential run, so hungry, ready to be fed, ready to feed again. The obsession, the monomania, the desire not just to defeat but to tear apart, you think that's so new with Barack Obama?

Older rudesters, is your right eye twitching a little, like you're having an acid flashback to a bad trip you thought you had repressed enough so that you didn't see the gorgons and minotaurs roaring at you anymore?

The Rude Pundit is no huge Hillary fan for reasons he'll bother to discuss when she announces she's running for president. But he'd still vote for her against that jagoff Bush, that turd licker Rand Paul, that narrow-eyed geek Walker, that ball of spite Christie. You know, though, what we're gonna have to go through when she's the nominee. You know that the machine will be moving madly, chaotically, smashing anything to wreck her. You know that it's fed on cash and rumor and lies and it cannot ever be sated unless it gets to devour her whole.

We're just getting a preview of what's to come.

3/04/2015

Random Thoughts Reading Through the DOJ's Ferguson Police Report

1. You should read it. It's compelling, and it's like a look into Birmingham in the 1960s, except it's now. It makes you understand that the riots in Ferguson, Missouri, were not simply the result of the shooting death of Michael Brown. It was an explosion that the city had earned after years of abusing its black residents.

2. It's blatantly obvious that the white police just enjoyed screwing with the black residents for the sake of writing tickets to make money for the city. Sometimes, the cops were like cartoons, like something you'd see in a terrible film that tried to have a social conscience. For instance, "In October 2012, police officers pulled over an African-American man who had lived in Ferguson for 16 years, claiming that his passenger-side brake light was broken. The driver happened to have replaced the light recently and knew it to be functioning properly. Nonetheless, according to the man’s written complaint, one officer stated, 'Let’s see how many tickets you’re going to get,' while a second officer tapped his Electronic Control Weapon ('ECW') on the roof of the man’s car. The officers wrote the man a citation for 'taillight/reflector/license plate light out.' They refused to let the man show them that his car’s equipment was in order, warning him, 'Don’t you get out of that car until you get to your house.'"

3. This is not to mention that there had to be a culture of silence and racism for cops to get away with things like this: "In another case, from March 2013, officers responded to the police station to take custody of a person wanted on a state warrant. When they arrived, they encountered a different man—not the subject of the warrant—who happened to be leaving the station. Having nothing to connect the man to the warrant subject, other than his presence at the station, the officers nonetheless stopped him and asked that he identify himself. The man asserted his rights, asking the officers, 'Why do you need to know?' and declining to be frisked. When the man then extended his identification toward the officers, at their request, the officers interpreted his hand motion as an attempted assault and took him to the ground. Without articulating reasonable suspicion or any other justification for the initial detention, the officers arrested the man on two counts of Failure to Comply and two counts of Resisting Arrest." That charge, "Failure to Comply," simply means, "We're always right and you're always wrong."

4. You can read the parade of horribles. There's a breathtaking number of cases, of harassment, of violence against young teens, of beatings, of outright attacks. This is not to mention the verbal abuse, the racist jokes, the use of "nigger" like the Ferguson PD was made up of Southern cop caricatures. Except they aren't. They're real people charged with enforcing the law. Except they aren't. They're enforcing their law. They wanted to arrest blacks, and they pushed situations to their breaking point to try to get to do it. The report contains incidents during protests where the cops were purely trying to provoke a reaction so they could bring down the hammer.

4a. Often, the overreactions of the cops are so ludicrous it'd be laughable if it weren't appalling: "[I]n August 2010, a lieutenant used an ECW [a Taser] in drive-stun mode against an African-American woman in the Ferguson City Jail because she had refused to remove her bracelets."

4b. In other words, the cops are just abject dicks.

5. Let's focus in on one case - the unarmed, not violent 14 year-old after whom the cops sent a police dog to bite multiple times. Here's the story in full:


Appalling. Disgusting. Now let's say an adult was there, a man with a gun, and he saw the dog biting the kid and he saw the cops stomping his head. At what point do the cops become bad enough that they need to be stopped? At what point are they the bad guys? At what point would you say that the man with the gun needs to do something? Or that the community needs to do something against the cops? At what point would you not blame them if they did? (By the way, there's a whole section on the overuse of force against students by cops in schools.)

5a. Or, if it's you the Ferguson cops are attacking, at what point are you standing your ground? At what point does your self-defense count? Never, of course. You always have to let the cops do whatever they want and hope that someone gets a written reprimand for breaking your skull.

6. The final sickening feeling the Rude Pundit has reading this is caused by the knowledge that this is just one town and that in towns big and small, all over the nation, the same things go on, the same racism, the same violence against citizens, the same. It's a shame that it will probably take a Michael Brown in each town to shine a light on even a small part of it.

6a. Not that the cop who shot Michael Brown will face any charges.

3/03/2015

Bibi at Congress: A Fantasia

Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu looked out over the gathered members of Congress today. "You are my harem," the Israeli leader said, "and I am your sultan. I could pluck any one of you out and bring back to my tent, adorn you in silk, and ask you if you're grateful that you get the privilege to suck the sultan's cock. You, there, Senator Tom Cotton, part your lips and smoke the cream pipe of paradise. Darrell Issa, your tongue looks ready to wash the leathery folds of the sultan's orb sack. Don't crowd, my concubines. I will bless each of you when my jism geyser is ready to erupt. Each of you will receive the gift of the sultan's pearls on your faces."

The concubines were joyous, especially because the sultan would be showing that foul Moor who presumed to lead them the proper way to take care of a harem. "The sultan thinks we're special," declared the oldest, scabbiest concubine. "I hope he is most pleased with how we pleasure him."

"Indeed," declared the filthiest concubine, "if only he would stay longer so we may enjoy his effulgence in our mouths, in our anuses, all over us."

Many of the concubines nodded. One of the younger concubines added, "I would gladly give up entire banquets just to place his sweaty man pole in my mouth one more time."

The old, scabby concubine brought them all together and offered comfort: "Do not worry. The sultan's thrusting flesh saber will always be ready whenever we wish to cross deserts and oceans to his palace. He will welcome us with open arms and raised robes, and, surely, we, each of us, knows what to do. Now let us turn around. The sultan's face is red. That means he is about to shoot forth."

The concubines pulled back their veils and opened their mouths so that a speck of the sultan's seed would strengthen them to turn their backs on their own people.

3/02/2015

CPAC: Phil Robertson Is Everything Conservative

There is no reason to write about the Conservative Political Action Conference, which took place this past weekend. You'd have to go to a Tea Party convention to find a larger gathering of deluded losers, compulsive masturbators, closeted gay evangelicals, and desperate politicians, all pretending that what they are doing and what they are saying has any significance beyond the ability of the organizers to scam the attendees out of some cash. No, indeed, one does not need to hear what kind of pandering Scott Walker or Chris Christie or Carly Fiorina or any other possible presidential candidate did to the cheers of the shit eaters in the Beelzebub Ballroom of Hell's Hilton.

What's fascinating was the way that the schedule of keynote speakers progressed, with pretenders and fakers splitting time with the mad and the irrelevant, a stream of supposed thinkers and leaders, all treated equally. So you could go from RNC chair Reince Preemie...Priebus, whatever, to Donald Trump to Rick Santorum to the crazed patriarch of the Duck Dynasty family, Phil Robertson. And it is here that the Rude Pundit wants to pause, just before huckster Wayne LaPierre and future loser to Hillary, Jeb Bush. Because Robertson, a man who made his fortune by making ducks want to fuck him so he could kill them, serves as an avatar for the entire conservative "movement," such that it is.

Standing at the podium, telling us how we all need to live our lives according to his book of faith, Robertson looked like Osama bin Laden in a post-9/11 video...oh, what, you think that's too hyperbolic? Fuckin' please, motherfucker:


Anyways, Robertson was so batshit crazy that actual bats thought, "He's making us look bad." What makes Robertson's speech, to a crowd that applauded, cheered, and laughed, so symbolic is that he said plainly what so many of the other conservatives tried to hide with a veneer of respectability. It's a good thing that Robertson's a dumb shit because he doesn't need to bother counting how many fucks he gives. So Robertson is free to be the rampant id, delighting the gathered misanthropes by tellin' 'em what's what.

Lecturing from his worn-out Bible from notes that have gotta be hilarious to read ("1. Jesus, 2. Gunz, 3. Don't fuck less yer marrd, 4. consteetooshun"), Robertson rambled for nearly 30 minutes, well past the scheduled time. He was there to pick up the, no shit, Andrew Breitbart Defender of the First Amendment Award. It's like if they gave a Nobel for being a racist, homophobic asshole.

Sure, he went on about gay marriage, about how we need to be more Christian, about how he can dress himself. But, mostly, he just didn't want anyone to catch the herp or any STDs: "What do you call the hundred and ten million who have sexually transmitted illnesses? It's the revenge of the hippies! Sex, drugs, and rock and roll have come back to haunt us, in a bad way." By the way, if you never had the pleasure of watching Duck Dynasty, the theme song was "Sharp-Dressed Man" by fellow beard enthusiasts ZZ Top. It's about how you can get laid if you dress well. It's from the album Eliminator, which features odes to fucking every which way, marriage not required.

Robertson wasn't done with the medical advice: "I mean, I'm reading this stuff from the CDC and it says, 'How many sexual encounters does one have to have to catch a sexually transmitted illness?' It said one. I'm figuring out the odds on that one. How many seconds does it take to get genital herpes? It said 30 seconds. I'm like, whoa, that's pretty quick." And he offered advice if you don't want to get any diseases: "You want a Godly, biblical, medically safe option—one man, one woman, married for life."

Oh, what else needs to be said? That Phil Robertson only wants women who are lesbians to run for office? "For you potential candidates, to keep you out of trouble and to keep the scandals down, let me give you a little word of advice. Carry two things with you wherever you go in case one of you gets to be the president of the United States. Make sure you carry your Bible and your woman." Well, either lesbians or he doesn't think women should run for office, but, surely, CPAC wouldn't invite someone so backwards to a prime speaking spot and a free speech award.

And, in an awesome bit of history, Robertson said, "Stand on the Bible. Stand on the Constitution. Don't budge. Hold onto your weapons. We had to have all three to run the Brits back to where they came from. We had to have all three when the Nazis reared their head. You say the Nazis? World domination was what Hitler had on his mind. Territorial conquest. There was no Jesus, none!" If you were there, you might have thought, "Um, I don't think there was a constitution when we were fighting the British, at least not the first time." But you're a beatnik who only wants to spread diseases with your hippie jizz.

The point here is not just to beat up on a rich man in redneck drag, a kind of cracker minstrel pushed out to dispense crazed backwoods wisdom. It's also to say that the crowd that embraced him (and right-wing websites were overjoyed with his speech) is never going to be won over by "logic" or "facts" or anything that we believe can use to convince people. They are invested in a monolithic lie that some kind of Christian morality will make everything better.

But what they don't see, and what they'd deny until the end of time, is that their desire for a nation based on biblical principles would make the founders they revere recoil in horror from them. And that the dude up there in the photo under Robertson would totally understand where they're coming from.

2/27/2015

Gun Nuts Losing Their Goddamned Minds Over Proposed Bullet Ban

It all starts with bureaucracy, of course. The Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms, and Explosives, which has "Firearms" right there in its name, regulates ammunition based on laws passed by Congress. One of those laws, the Law Enforcement Officers Protection Act of 1986, which passed 400-21 in the House and 97-1 in the Senate and was signed by God Reagan, says that any ammunition that "may be used in a handgun," is made of certain materials, like steel, and can pierce body armor can be banned. That's in the actual law. In fact, if the ATF didn't seek to ban those kinds of bullets, it would be violating the law. Pretty simple, no? Pretty cut and dried, no? If Congress doesn't like it, it can change the law.

So now there's this ammo, 5.56mm constituent projectiles of SS109 and M855 cartridges, which had been exempt from the law because they weren't used in handguns. This was the "sporting purposes" exception to the law. But now there are handguns that can fire these steel-tipped, armor-piercing bullets. The ATF is proposing banning the manufacture, sale and import of them. You can keep all the ones you have or will buy in your hording frenzy. But after that, the law says, the safety of police officers comes before your desire to hunt deer wearing bulletproof vests.

Of course, the gun-fellating right has lost its mind over this proposal because the ATF is part of the executive branch and that means the Negro communist Muslim president who hates America must want to kill all the white people and take their guns in order to burn the Constitution and install a Sharia law caliphate in the country. Or something like that.

"Obama to ban bullets by executive action," says the headline at the Washington Examiner (motto: "If you think the Washington Times is batshit crazy, you haven't met us"). "It's starting," the paper warns, "As promised, President Obama is using executive actions to impose gun control on the nation, targeting the top-selling rifle in the country, the AR-15 style semi-automatic, with a ban on one of the most-used AR bullets by sportsmen and target shooters." Which would be true except for the part where President Obama is not involved at all in this decision and has signed no executive action on it.

Yes, the ammo is used by the AR-15 rifle, the one beloved by mass shooters and men with tiny penises (sometimes one and the same). The NRA gets all folksy about the threat: "If they can’t ban the pie, so the thinking apparently goes, they might at least get the apples." That metaphor would work if there were only one kind of bullet or apple. If it turns out Macouns were poisonous when baked in a pie, you'd probably just say, "Well, screw it. Time to use Cortlands." You wouldn't gripe, "I'll never be able to make pie again."

The attitude of the gun-huffers is best exemplified by obvious sportsman Rush Limbaugh, who said on his show, Flabby the Deaf Clown's Masturbatorium of Hate, "It's the first. It's the beginning. You don't think all bullets except those held by the military and the cops are the objective? This is how we end up losing these...[Obama] wants to take guns out of everybody's hands, and if he can't do that, he's gonna take the bullets that go in the guns out of everybody's hands, and he's just begun that process today." Anyone who believes that deserves to be a shut-in with only one station available on his tiny radio.

The Rude Pundit's favorite comments came from a lackadaisical gun store owner in Springfield, Missouri, who is a former cop. He doesn't think the ban will happen; however, "Gun people tend to create their own drama," he said. "If we freaked out every time BATF discusses something we'd be freaking out on this all the time. Sometimes gun owners are their own worst enemy."

As for the usefulness of the ammo? While you'll hear a bunch about how popular the bullets are, this Springfield store owner said that "most of the target ranges his customers use have steel targets that can be damaged by the steel-tipped rounds so they don't buy that kind of ammunition."

They do like using it for "plinking," which is shooting bottles and crap, although unless those bottles have vests on, you could probably use something else. Also, they like it for home defense. What's more likely? Your home being invaded by murderers wearing body armor? Or some criminal using the bullets in an AR pistol to take out a cop?

2/26/2015

Texas Conservatives Celebrate Hating Gays in an Incredibly Gay Way


That pink-decorated cake being sliced by men holding hands is not for the joyous occasion of two of those fellows getting married. Oh, no. That was an event to mark the 10th anniversary of the amendment to the Texas constitution that declared "Marriage in this state shall consist only of the union of one man and one woman." It also added, dickishly, "This state or a political subdivision of this state may not create or recognize any legal status identical or similar to marriage."

You might say, "Oh, sweet Rude Pundit, why would you think this looks like a pair of gay men cutting cake after taking their vows?" And the Rude Pundit would show you this:


These pictures couldn't be queerer if under the table was another dude blowing the big guy with the cake knife. (And, for the record, it totally looks like that big guy is being blown by a dude under the table while his new husband looks on approvingly.)

It was actually part of "Faith and Family Day," obviously the one day a year that Texans can express how much they love their god and how much they care about their families. The other 364? Fuck 'em raw.

Faith and Family Day involves a murder of nutter right-wing groups coming together to tell you how much they hate, hate, hate shit while telling you how much you need to love, love, love their GodJeebus. If you went, you got to hear Lt. Gov. Dan Patrick tell the gathered families, "We can be the leader in education, we can be the leader in creating jobs, we can be the leader in all that stuff, but we really need to be the leader for Christ. That’s the answer, that’s the hope that this state and country must look to...I don’t know if the end days are today, or a thousand years from now. That’s why we have to stand for Christ in all that we do." Obviously, inclusiveness was the message he wanted to impart: we'll include anyone who sniffs Christ's filthy feet. Muslims, Jews, atheists, and assorted heathens need not apply.

By the way, this speech followed Rep. Jeff Leach imploring everyone not to allow Sharia law to take over. That sound you hear is Jesus slapping his forehead as he thinks, "Irony just got crucified in the Lone Star State."