Post-Massacre, Conservative America Reacts Like It Got a Head Wound

Sure, Jeb Bush saying, "Stuff happens" as a response to last week's mass shooting in Oregon was pretty fucking dumb. Bush compounded the dumb by clarifying himself when pressed by a reporter, "Things happen all the time...Things. Is that better?" Dude, just say, "Shit happens." Stop with the polite debasement of a horror.

Then, proving once and for all that George W. might have been the smart one, Bush added, "A child drowned in a pool and the impulse is to pass a law that puts fencing around pools. Well it may not change it. Or you have a car accident and the impulse is to pass a law that deals with that unique event." Except that we have all kinds of laws because of car accidents. Except that one guy once failed at blowing up a plane with his shoes, so now, even 14 years later, we have to take off our damn shoes at the airport. Except, oh, right, Governor Jeb Bush once fucking signed a law that required people to do something to prevent children from drowning in their pools.

Yet this was not the lamest thing said by a GOP presidential candidate in the wake of the Umpqua Community College massacre. That would go to America's angriest red balloon, Chris Christie, who was on ABC's This Week with George Stephanopoulous's hair and was asked about the fact (notice the word there) that New Jersey, the state Christie occasionally is governor of, has some of the toughest gun laws in the nation and one of the lowest rates of gun deaths. Was there any correlation? Christie said, "I don’t — George, I don’t think there is" before doing the usual Republican bullshit dance of mental health needs

To say that there is no causal relationship between strictness of gun laws and numbers of gun deaths is to bizarrely ignore the overwhelming evidence that plainly shows that, in nearly every state, that is true. This is the madness of Republicanism in the 21st century. Virtually every scientist says climate change is caused by human activity, and the Republican says they're wrong and liars. Supply-side tax policy has failed every time it's been tried, and the Republican says that we need to keep trying. Nearly every state with tight gun laws has a smaller number of gun deaths by murder, suicide, and accident than states with little regulation, and the Republican says that gun control will only help criminals. Anyone who says any of these things should be whipped out of the public sphere like a rabid dog for fear that they will infect everyone.

But the quiescent media just raises its haunches and tells the flatly lying Republicans, "Take me." A report this morning on NPR, you know, that bastion of liberal elitism, was about Utah Rep. Jason Chaffetz, the chair of the House Oversight Committee who looks like a shaved rabbit with its ears pinned back. The reporter said, "Planned Parenthood criticized Chaffetz for using what they believed to be inaccurate data about the number of abortions they provide." It's not that Planned Parenthood "believed" the data was inaccurate. The chart that presented the data was inaccurate. Period. That's not an opinion. It's not something that needs to be attributed to anyone. If someone says, "One plus one equals twenty," you don't need to say that it's wrong according to someone. Things can just be wrong.

When people are wrong on the demonstrable facts, the media fails when it doesn't treat them like they are wrong. For instance, three candidates running for the GOP nomination, including two of the top, said that Umpqua is a gun-free zone, implying that only pussies without guns die like pigs in a slaughterhouse.

But Umpqua isn't a gun-free zone. If you have a conceal carry permit in Oregon, you can take your gun with you on campus. In fact, students with guns were talked out of going after the asshole shooter because they would have been in a shitload of danger and the cops on the scene wouldn't have known who not to shoot. One of the good guys with a gun, an Army vet, said, "If we would have run across the field, we would have been targets. We made a good choice at the time." You got that? They had guns and decided that trying to be a superhero was fucking dumb. That makes those gun owners smarter than every fucknut wannabe who thinks life is a game of Call of Duty.

And if gun owners aren't the X-Men, the NRA sure as fuck isn't Magneto. It's beyond time to take them on in a real, concerted way, like Hillary Clinton is proposing (and Martin O'Malley proposed before). Ideological purity needs to go out the window. Anti-gun liberals need to ally with the sane gun owners, the ones who believe that you need to, you know, well-regulate arms. That'd probably end up being the vast majority of the nation, which means that maybe Congress would listen.

Well, if Bloomberg's money is involved. Let's not be naive.


Too Much Bad News? Enjoy Ted Cruz Contemplating Reagan's Penis

What is poorly-drawn Senator Ted Cruz thinking about in this image from his campaign coloring book? Is it that the creepy Reagan head gave blanket amnesty to millions of undocumented immigrants? Or that Reagan talked to his enemies (and illegally sold arms to Iran)? Is Cruz wondering if Reagan would even be allowed in today's Republican Party?

Or perhaps he's contemplating what it would be like to lean in and kiss Reagan, right on the lips, at first gently, tentatively, to see if Reagan was into it, and when Reagan didn't pull away, Cruz could kiss harder, needfully, forcefully, flicking his tongue in and out of Reagan's mouth, before Cruz reached down and massaged Reagan's half-erect penis to full tumescence, pausing to look into Reagan's eyes for the okay to continue, Reagan barely, almost breathlessly, nodding, as Cruz descended to his knees, unzipped Reagan's Haggar slacks and allowed the imagined huge, veiny dick to flop out, with Cruz gasping for a moment before licking it, lapping all around, just getting Reagan throbbing in anticipation before Cruz engulfed Reagan's dick in his mouth.

Yeah, probably that. Either way, though, you know Cruz is jacking off with his other hand.

(Fun fact: That Reagan line is totally quoted wrong. But you can get the book for $10.)


Ten More

I can remember when the McDonald's massacre in San Ysidro, California, happened in 1984. I can remember that my family was on vacation when we heard that a man with a gun killed 21 people at the fast food restaurant, including kids, the worst mass shooting in the nation up to that point. We've topped it three times since. But I remember the utter shock, the abject horror I felt, thinking about those families, thinking about them helpless.

I can remember when a Luby's cafeteria in Killeen, Texas, was shot up by one man, with a death toll of 23. That was in October 1991, and I heard about it on the news that night. It stuck with me because I had been to Killeen, and I had eaten at that Luby's, so I knew the space, knew what it was like to be there, could picture the different places where I could have hidden if I had been there.

I no longer remember where I am when I hear about the latest nightmare massacre in the United States. I am no longer shocked enough by their occurrence. And that makes me so sorrowful because that means I've become so numb to all of this that it barely registers beyond "Oh, what is it this time? What variation on the nightmare is it?"

The at-least ten people who were gunned down near Roseburg, Oregon, are victims of the shooter, yes. But this nation is filled to overflow with complicit criminals. At this point, if you are someone who doesn't believe in greater gun regulation you are an accomplice. No, let's go further: you are a murderer. If we're executing people who were in the room when someone was killed by another or planned someone's death, then anyone who opposes and works against tighter gun laws is guilty of murder in the same way, by facilitating it, by making it easier for the murder to occur, by creating the circumstances by which murder happens.

(Speaking of, if you want to make yourself sick to needing to vomit, read the alleged 4Chan posts by the shooter warning that something was going to happen, as well as the responses of others encouraging him to kill and then cheering when he did.)

We've given up so much in the United States to people who are wrong. Not just opinion wrong, but actually wrong. We know that stricter gun laws lead to fewer gun deaths. This is a fact. We know that states with loose gun laws have a higher rate of gun violence. This is a fact. These facts should make a rational society do something.

Instead, we're told that such facts don't matter. Instead, we've been forced to just suck it up after every massacre, whether it's children or college students or restaurant patrons, because of the cowardly inaction of our legislators. We're told that our guns will keep us safe. No, they won't. And you're a fool who will get yourself or somebody else killed if you believe that.

Like President Obama essentially said today, I'm just so tired of allowing the fools to even be allowed a place in our public discourse. If we don't treat the fools and cowards like fools and cowards, then we are damned to go through this again. And again. Repeat endlessly.


Titty Flattening and Baby Murdering: A Day in Congress

Yesterday's House Oversight Committee bullshit hearing on Planned Parenthood took a different tactic than the previous House Judiciary Committee bullshit hearing. While the Judiciary Committee was all about baby parts, the Oversight Committee was looking into the funding of Planned Parenthood by the federal government, searching for some non-video related reason to justify the GOPs blind rage towards the women's health and family planning clinics. So Planned Parenthood's president, Cecile Richards, was forced to sit for hours, listening to Republican cunt after Republican cunt disparage, attack, and condemn her.

Basically, though, it went something like this:
GOP Cunt: You make shit-tons of moola murderin' the babies, right?

Richards: We--

GOP Cunt: Shut up, kooz. A man is talkin' here. My rhetorical questions are actually statements. I only have limited time!

Richards: But--

GOP Cunt: Does Planned Parenthood flatten the titties?

Richards: No, we--

GOP Cunt: Ah-ha! So you don't flatten titties?

Richards: We direct--

GOP Cunt: You are such liars. You said you flatten titties. If you don't pancake the boobies, you must not give a shit about women's health. Boobies!

Richards: There is more--

GOP Cunt: Let the record show that Planned Parenthood only murders babies and it does not flatten titties. Take away their money so we can kill babies in Yemen with bombs instead. Whose got two thumbs and a dick and just won the argument? This guy. (High fives female Republican committee member who hates her own sex.)

More or less, that was pretty much all that happened. Throw in an attack on Richards' salary, which is less than the football coaches at 90 universities, which receive a whole bunch of federal funding, and you've got the makings of an old-fashioned asshole-off, where one member of Congress tries to out-asshole the others.

There were wonderfully ridiculous sights, like Committee Chair Jason Chaffetz's bitch face when confronted with the fact that his supposedly ironclad chart proving that PPFA was doing many more abortions and far fewer cancer screenings was actually just anti-choice propaganda.  Really, the graphic itself is so disproportionate to the real numbers that it may as well have been created by a baboon who tried to do Excel.

Others will fact check the many lies and exaggerations and fallacies in the Republican case. But about those flattened titties, the Republicans on the committee made a big damn deal about whether or not Planned Parenthood did mammograms, practically jumping up and whooping when Richards said that the organization's clinics does not do them. People outside of PPFA have misspoken and said the clinics performed them. Most recently, Martin O'Malley did so, including mammograms in a list of services that Planned Parenthood provides. He was wrong.

But you know who was right? Planned Parenthood. From their website:

Right there, it says that Planned Parenthood will refer you to a place to get the mammogram. This wasn't some hidden, secret plot to disguise what they do. PPFA can't control if politicians, even those who support it, get the info wrong.

What a pathetic waste of time. The desperation with which Republicans are trying to discredit Planned Parenthood would be a joke if only women's bodies weren't on the line.

(Note: Yes, the Rude Pundit considered other words besides "cunt." None of them quite captured the cuntistry of the GOP.)


In Brief: Photos That Make the Rude Pundit Want to Shoot Up Heroin in the Middle of a Wheat Field

No. No. Fuck you, Kansas Governor Sam Brownback. You don't get to play touchy-feely with zombie women. You can suck a bucket of disembodied zombie dicks before you get to declare, as you did, that October is "Zombie Preparedness Month" in your sad state. Sure, your Christian extremist views make you believe in people coming back from the dead more than a voodoo priestess does, but you don't get to do this shit.

Not after all the threats of school budget cuts and actual cuts to actual things that actual people actually use. Not after almost destroying Kansas in pursuit of a brain-damaged dream of conservatopia that failed so miserably that you had to fucking beg and blackmail the legislature into raising some taxes. No, you don't get to spend a red fucking cent on this fake quirky, fake fun, fake zombie bullshit. Not for the paper you signed for the proclamation. Not on the time the staff spent putting it together. Not for the electricity in the fucking offices where this fuckery took place.

Goddamnit, why aren't those things real up there so that Brownback can learn the cost of denying his state's poor expanded Medicaid? Oh, wait. He'd have to be human in order for them to want to eat him.

12th Anniversary Today: The Rude Pundit's Biennial Fundraiser Was a Total Blowout Success

The Rude Pundit says, "Big, huge thanks to the literally hundreds of people who donated through PayPal and other means to this old, old blog. Twelve blog years feels like 150 in human years, and the generosity and support of the last week has been overwhelming. You gals and guys blew the roof off what I had hoped to raise and ascended right into the sky. Goddamn, it was beautiful. While you can't read too much into one donate-a-thon, the Obama economy has been doing pretty friggin' great for people."

"I already ordered the new computer, gonna get that whiskey, and am arranging for going to Los Angeles to totally do Stephanie Miller. I'll let you know when that's gonna happen so maybe we can book another thing or two for the time out on the left coast.

"Now, I promise no more begging for cash for another couple of years. But during the Trump/Cruz administration, we'll need all the help we can get."

Back later with more ludicrous rudeness.


Carly Fiorina Is a Lying Piece of Shit, Too

Destroyer of American jobs and GOP presidential candidate Carly Fiorina insists, with the kind of fervent madness that you get in someone who believes Jesus appears in tree bark and water stains on concrete, that she has viewed a scene in one of the anti-Planned Parenthood videos where one can "Watch a fully formed fetus on the table, its heart beating, its legs kicking while someone says, ‘We have to keep it alive to harvest its brain.'" This supposedly happens, according to people who have seen all the videos, in the seventh one.

So the Rude Pundit watched it. It is disturbing as fucking hell. Of course it is. It's talking about medical procedures. Of course the doctors and lab technicians are inured to how gross it is and speak in blase', clinical tones about it. They have to or they couldn't do their jobs. And, technically, you do witness what Fiorina says. Except, as so many have pointed out, the fetus shown is a stillborn having some nerve reactions, and "fully-formed" is really a bit of a stretch.

The rest of the video relies on an interview with Holly O'Donnell, someone who didn't work at Planned Parenthood, who didn't witness any abortions, who heard a couple of things and said she saw an email. When the fetus is shown, we hear O'Donnell quoting a colleague at the lab where she worked, saying, "This is a really good fetus and it looks like we can procure a lot from it. We're going to procure brain." So they have to cut open the head, O'Donnell says. Again, it's disgusting, it's unpleasant, but it's not illegal and it's not the scene that Fiorina said she saw. Fiorina could have reasonably said that the Planned Parenthood videos had an emotional impact on her, but that, being a thinking, rational adult, she'd like more information.

Except she didn't do that. Confronted time and again with the fact, the indisputable, actual fact, that the scene she described doesn't exist, Fiorina has insisted that everyone else is a liar but her. On Facebook yesterday, she said, "[I]t's clear the video is of an aborted baby left to die in a metal tray kicking for life." Her source for this is a conservative website that is quoting a radical anti-choice group on what the footage is, although the group refuses to say where it got the images. Not only is it most definitely not "clear," even Fiorina admits that the words and the video are not of the same thing. We don't know what happened to the fetus that's shown.

If the footage was real, if Planned Parenthood was doing anything wrong, then perhaps, just maybe, one of the investigations of PPFA would have turned something up. Maybe there would be a document or two. Maybe there would be more witnesses willing to step forward. Because to believe Fiorina means that there would have to be a major conspiracy of silence going on among people who would have every financial and moral motive in the world not to stay silent. If a Planned Parenthood employee came forward with a stack of files and personally-witnessed testimony, that person would be treated like a Roman emperor by the anti-choice movement. The riches of the world and all the pussy and/or dick they wanted would be laid at their feet.

Instead, we get the pathetic sight of Fiorina's campaign scraping through the internet's sphincter to find something to justify the boss's lies. And that must be a shitty job for her staff. They already have to pretend that Fiorina did anything other than nearly destroy Hewlett-Packard. Besides her lies, she's just another odious conservative, crapping into the eager ears of the bullshit seekers. Today, she declared that waterboarding was just great and that NSA warrantless spying is dandy.

The New York Times has an article about the supposed "conflicted feelings" that feminist women are having about Fiorina, as if just her lack of a penis was enough to make her electable and that women are so stupid that they would think for a second about voting for her. On that count, let's give the final word here to Gloria Steinem, also on Facebook, who wrote after the GOP debate, "If you thought Republicans could find no woman more damaging to the diversity and needs of the female half of this country than Sarah Palin, take a good look at Carly Fiorina and what she stands for."


In Brief: Boehned

Okay, conservative fucknuts, yahoos, ass-scratchers, and ball-lickers, now that Speaker of the House John Boehner will be out of the way, your fondest dreams can come true. Bring it, you putrid little bitches.

It's time to get this shit over with. It's time for the rest of the nation to understand what we that dwell in this land of political overload already understand: there are dangerous radicals trying to destroy the federal government from the inside. The pathetic part is that, motherfucker that he was, Boehner was the last wall standing before the Huns got inside and fucked everything up.

Oh, they won't get anything passed into law, these misanthropic fake Christians and doofus supply-siders and closeted women haters. The Senate will see to that. But the nation is changing, not fast enough, but it is moving fast to, finally, push these ignorant hordes aside, so they are doing what desperate people always do when faced with the end: blow shit up. See how many people they can take with them.

Yes, we will pine for the days of Boehner's retro-cuntishness. At least there was some style. At least there was an acknowledgement that, on some level, if you're in the legislative branch, you have to motherfuckin' legislate.

For fuck's sake, let's have this fight already. Let's see which America is left standing.

Note: It's the last few hours of the Rude Pundit's Biennial Fundraiser. Let's squeeze one last drop of love out of the rudiverse tonight. Click on over and contribute.

Very Late Post Today

Pope traffic. 

Back later with more Boehning. 

Twelve Years of Accurate Analysis and Anal Sex References: The Rude Pundit's Biennial Fundraising-Ilingus

Oh, man, oh, man, the events just keep coming, every day seemingly more strange and absurd than the last. A pope delivers a speech that, if given by a Democrat, he'd be accused of being a wild and woolly socialist. The Speaker of the House resigns. Rats become far more ambitious about their dining choices. And the Rude Pundit is here to mock, deride, and, occasionally, sympathize, as he has been for the last 12 goddamn years. He doesn't know if he's got another 12 in him, but he's going strong right now after a long time in the despairing woods.

So every other year, he hosts this little way for rude readers, who truly are about as generous a bunch as he could ask for, to chunk some cash into his cup and give him some walking around money. All he wants is a new computer, maybe a case of Kentucky bourbon, and a plane ticket to Los Angeles so that fans of The Stephanie Miller Show can hear him uncensored and untethered on her Happy Hour podcast.

Today is the final day of the fundraiser, so let's put it over the top by clicking that PayPal button below or on the side.

And the Rude Pundit's taking your questions, which you can send to "rudepundit(at)yahoo(dot)com."

You can be just like reader Stacey, who wants to know, "Do you think the papal visit will remind all those conservative fucks of the Christ part of Christian?" Oh, Stacey, modern conservatives, almost in full, gave up on the "Christ" part ages ago. Right now, they're about as Christian as blood-orgy-having, baby-sacrificing Mammon worshipers. If Christ came back, he'd kick their asses left and right, saying, "What the fuck did I tell you about this shit?"