7/07/2015

Crazy DA Wants More People Put to Death in Louisiana


A crazy white man named Cox is helping put black people to death in northwest Louisiana. Articles in both the New York Times and the New Yorker (yeah, yankee liberals. So?) detail the deep desire of acting district attorney Dale Cox of Caddo Parish to kill people, mostly black men. Caddo Parish juries are responsible for sentencing more people to death per capita than any other county in the country. 77% of those sentenced are black. If you read even one of the pieces, you will come away with the sickening feeling in your stomach that Dale Cox is a serial killer, a sociopath – fuck, a psychopath - who gets the state of Louisiana to do his murders for him.

In an interview with the Times, Cox repeatedly talks about a society that “would say it's okay to kill babies and eat them, and in fact we can have parties where we kill them and eat them.” Cox admits that he has never seen a case where people killed and ate a baby, alone or at a party, but that doesn't stop him from talking about the "savagery" he's seen and that "We've become a jungle." He pretty much says that he's got PTSD from the shit he's dealt with in his job: "the nature of the work is so serious that there’d be something wrong if it didn’t change you."

He "went on to describe rapes, murders and dismemberments in extended detail, pointing to a box on his desk that he said contained autopsy photos of an infant who was beaten to death."  That's the way insane people act. That's someone who might just want to eat an infant or someone so tortured by the crimes of others that he can no longer react with the dispassion that the law needs. Motherfucker just wants people put to death.

The New Yorker article, by Rachel Aviv, is a deeper dive into a single case, that of Rodricus Crawford, a black man who was sentenced to death for the murder of his infant son, despite the fact that there were egregious errors in the autopsy of the baby (who was not eaten) and that Crawford was a doting, caring father.  Cox just really, really wanted Crawford sentenced to death.

Cox supported the release of an inmate on death row when evidence came forward that exonerated him (a previous prosecutor in Caddo Parish wrote an impassioned plea to end capital punishment because of this case), but that has not shaken Cox's belief in more death sentences.  In fact, he still thinks the exonerated man, Glenn Ford, got a fair trial and deserves no compensation for the three decades he spent on death row.

In an interview with the Shreveport Times, the local paper, Cox said, "I think we need to kill more people... I think the death penalty should be used more often. It has come to the place in our society where it is used less often, and I think crime in our society has expanded so expeditiously...that we're going the wrong way with the death penalty that we need it more than ever and we're using it less now."

In Crawford's case, Cox said in his closing statement during the trial that Jesus commanded the jurors to put the accused to death: "Now, this is Jesus Christ of the New Testament. ‘It would be better if you were never born. You shall have a millstone cast around your neck, and you will be thrown into the sea.’" Imagine a prosecutor citing the Quran for support in sentencing. Later, Cox regretted that Louisiana uses lethal injection: "Mr. Crawford deserves as much physical suffering as it is humanly possible to endure before he dies." Cox doesn't give a shit that everyone who examined the baby boy's autopsy report found it deeply flawed and incredibly wrong and that the child died of sepsis brought on by pneumonia, not from a beating from his father.

Cox is running for DA now. He recently defended himself against Aviv's article, sounding for all the world like a depressed, deeply troubled man who is one fender-bender away from going on a killing spree. He also answered a question about the Confederate monument that sits outside the courthouse in Caddo Parish.  He said that it should be removed because it's "a distraction," and that anyone who tells you that the Confederate flag doesn't stand for slavery "is lying through their teeth."

But mostly he doesn't want the issue to get in the way of him making sure more black "barbarians" die.

7/06/2015

Washington Post Columnist Marc Thiessen Thinks He Has a Point (Spoiler: He Doesn't)

Oh, how giddy Washington Post columnist Marc Thiessen must have been when he came up with his mighty point about racist symbolism. How he must have wriggled his pudgy, semen-crusted fingers in glee above his keyboard as he prepared to type it, pausing to clap like a toddler that just sang his ABCs before rewarding himself with a pudding cup. He might have even been drooling at the thought of the thunder he was bringing to out-of-control liberal political correctness (or something) as he tap-tapped, "Did you know that this newspaper is named for a slaveholder? It’s right there on our masthead, the name of a man who for 56 years held other human beings in bondage on his Virginia plantation."

Imagine Thiessen, giggling, looking forward to wrapping this up so he could click back over to the strangle porn he had been jacking off to. He continued, describing the slave owner and concluding, "George Washington also emancipated his slaves in his will, won our independence and became the father of our country — but no matter. It is an outrage that this paper continues to bear the name of such a man. It is time to rename The Washington Post!" Yes, he must have thought, these sardonic exaggerations will make people crumble in their wake. Then he quickly pounded out the rest of it because that naked dude wasn't gonna come after asphyxiating on "pause."

In his latest "column" (if by "column," you mean, "stiff, overused wipe sock"), Thiessen is outraged, flabbergasted, even, at how the tight-assed left and race baiters are fucking up his nice Confederate flag symbols, especially when it comes to his favorite TV shows: "The TV Land network has pulled the plug on reruns of one of America’s most beloved shows, The Dukes of Hazzard, because the car in the show, the General Lee, bears a Confederate flag. There is nothing racist about The Dukes of Hazzard." Let's not even argue how "beloved" the show is (at worst, it's a nostalgia trip for idiots; at best, it's a piece of kitsch worthy of being laughed at). Let's instead focus on the quickest, easiest response: What's racist about The Dukes of Hazzard is the fucking Confederate flag painted on the goddamn car. Thiessen sees this as our "miasma of political correctness," this desire to rename things that were named after Confederate generals and to remove the flag from government flagpoles. It's a "historical purge," Stalinistic in its insidiousness. Of course, it's not the purgers who are doing the killing here.

He approves of the way the black people of Charleston reacted after the massacre at the Emanuel AME  Church: "There were no race riots. The city didn’t burn. People came together — black and white — to mourn and heal together." Christ, Thiessen doesn't seem to get that there's a difference between crazy racist murderers and white cops who kill black people. Crazy racist murderers with a badge provoke a different kind of reaction.

But Thiessen can't see the forest for the stars and bars: "The recent criticism of the Confederate flag is really not about a flag — it is about the people of the South. It is driven by the notion that most Southerners are a bunch of racists who agree with the Charleston shooter’s murderous actions." No, that is simply not true. Southerners who defend the flag and Confederate honor are racists, yes, pretty much by definition, if you're not lying to yourself. But that's not the majority of Southerners. It's just loud assholes who everyone is sick of and finally wants them to shut the fuck up. They've had their say and most Americans, including those well-behaved black people in Charleston, want to get the racism out of their faces and away from their state government buildings. And today, those Southerners voted to take down the racist fucking flag in South Carolina.

To return to Thiessen's opening salvo, yeah, we gotta deal honestly with Washington the slave owner. We should be taught that in history classes, the good with the bad of our Founders. A mature nation would be willing to grapple with its past and accept and learn from it, not just deny it because you get a simpleton's pleasure watching those Duke boys elude Boss Hogg for the umpteenth time.

7/03/2015

For Independence Day: If You Fly the Confederate Flag, You Don't Deserve a Holiday

Senator Henry Wilson knew the score. At an event referred to as a "colored people's celebration," the July 4, 1865 Independence Day rally was the first after the end of the Civil War. It was held on the grounds of the Treasury Department in Washington, D.C., and one of the purposes of the gathering was to call for "the immediate, complete, and universal enfranchisement" of all African Americans, as Frederick Douglass put it. Wilson, a Massachusetts Republican, had been an outspoken abolitionist and supporter of the rights of blacks, long-free and just-free. Later a vice-president to Ulysses Grant, he was the featured speaker that day.

Wilson had no patience for for anyone who still supported the "cause" of the Confederacy, mocking the mayor of Washington, D.C. for refusing to attend (and eventually getting mightily pissed at Andrew Johnson). He addressed how the nation should handle the unsteady future, so soon after the end of the nightmarish war and the assassination of Lincoln:

"Pardoned rebels, and rebels yet unpardoned, flippantly tell us that they hold in their hands, yet red with loyal blood, the rights of loyal colored men, of the heroes scarred and maimed beneath the dear old flag. I tell these repentant and unrepentant but conquered and subdued rebels that, while they hold the suffrage of the loyal black men in their hands, we, the loyal men of America, hold in our hands their lost privilege to hold office in the civil service, army, or navy. The Congress of the United States has placed upon the statute-book a law forever prohibiting anyone who has borne arms against the country, or given aid, comfort, and countenance to the Rebellion, from holding any office of honor, profit, or emolument in the civil, military, or naval service of the United States."

That was an in-yer-face proclamation there. Of course, in 1872, the Amnesty Act got rid of those restrictions on almost all former Confederate soldiers, thus ensuring that freed slaves would get dicked over post-Reconstruction.  Still, in 1865, Wilson's stand was clear. The people of the southern United States were disloyal, conquered rebels, and they should be treated as such.

There is something poignantly dumb about the fact that there will be a Confederate Heritage Rally in Tampa, Florida 150 years after the event on the 4th of July 1865. That the focus of the event will be the flag of the conquered rebels is pathetic. "Come join us in preserving and defending our proud Southern heritage. BRING YOUR FLAGS!" the rally-goers are commanded. Someone else informs the group that websites and stores are sold out of Confederate flags, so he doesn't know where he'll get one. Someone else says that they should order cakes with the flag on it for "Lee-Jackson Day, Confederate Memorial Day, Jefferson Davis Birthday, State Day (i.e. Florida Day, etc.), Confederate Flag Day," and that "commemorating an important Confederate battlefield victory would all be our major cultural holidays days."

Everyone who heard Wilson's speech way back when would be appalled to the point of despair to know that, a century and a half later, on Independence Day, the rebels don't believe they lost to the nation whose day they are supposed to be celebrating.

7/02/2015

Judge to Bobby Jindal: Don't You Get That This Marriage Debate Is Over?

Perhaps, at the end of a farcical situation, it's appropriate that a judge named "Marty Feldman" put the final nail in the idiotic coffin.  U.S. District Court Judge Feldman, who does not have comically googly eyes and was appointed by Ronald Reagan his own self, told Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal, who does have a comically skinny neck, to stop being such a cockknob and that everyone can get gay married because of the Supreme Court.

In fact, Judge Feldman's order goes full gay. It "specifically requires the state to begin issuing marriage licenses to same-sex couples and to recognize the marriage rights of couples who married legally in other states. The ruling also orders the state to allow same-sex couples to jointly adopt children, to have both spouses names placed on birth certificates for their children, and to file joint tax returns." Feldman was responding to a lawsuit filed by a same-sex couple (that sex being "dude") who thought it absurd that they couldn't get a marriage license post-SCOTUS decision.

And, because nothing says, "Fuck your ignorant, arrogant fuckhole" like making someone dish out the cash, Feldman ordered that "plaintiffs in each of these consolidated cases are awarded their costs, expenses, and reasonable attorneys' fees."

So just one day after taking a mighty stand for religious extremism against the secular laws of the nation, Jindal was forced to lick his own sore anus today. "This order directs the agencies to comply and all questions about processing benefits should be directed to them," a spokesperson for Jindal said. Jindal's Alamo had been Orleans Parish, the only place where the state controlled the filing of marriage licenses. Every other parish had complied with the Supreme Court. So it went about as well as the Alamo.

Are we done? Texas? Alabama? Are we gonna need troops sent in to enforce the law, like after desegregation? One can suppose it all depends on a combination of cowardice and cravenness in our politicians. And since we're talking about Republicans running for President, we can expect a pageant of fuckery and lots of bullshit talk of religious independence on Independence Day.

7/01/2015

Disembodied Asshole Sharts That He's Running for President

Yesterday, in a high school gym in New Jersey, an angry, giant, disembodied asshole announced that he's running for president. The giant asshole paraded, preened, and pronounced his qualifications and complaints in a series of sharts, which is where it seems like an asshole is just farting when actually it's blowing out shit bits, defiling everything around it, usually just underwear. But this being a speech by a disembodied asshole, the crowd and the gathered media were sprinkled with the asshole's fecal spray.

The asshole introduced his poor, shit-smeared wife by saying that she lost a coin toss, and that's why she stayed at home and he became a politician. And what was her role? "[S]he is largely responsible" for the breeding and raising of the asshole's four children. The asshole apparently wants us to believe that had he lost the coin toss, had tails failed, he wouldn't have tried to run for office. It's the lying logic of the asshole, the anecdote far more significant than the truth.

We learned about the asshole's upbringing, about the asshole's parents, about the asshole's entirely ordinary lower middle-class upbringing followed by an entirely ordinary college experience, and we were probably supposed to be just amazed that a disembodied asshole could climb this far. But this is America, and white assholes get wiped clean and first all the time. An asshole is not a man of the people if he accepts gifts worth tens of thousands of dollars from a king. An asshole is not a regular guy at all if he bows down to billionaires in order to receive the Midas touch of their gold-covered dicks.

Then the asshole outright lied about his accomplishments, about how much New Jersey loves him, about how he wants to work together with everyone when, time and again, the only way you get to work with this asshole is to give in to what he wants or he will shit all over you and tell you that you brought it on yourself by acting like such a fuckin' toilet.

The number of contradictions within the asshole's speech piled up. He was proud of all his vetoes as governor of New Jersey but then talked nearly romantically about "a country that was built on compromise." Bizarrely, the asshole added, "If Washington and Adams and Jefferson believed compromise was a dirty word, we'd still be under the crown of England." The Rude Pundit may not have read the same history that apparently disembodied assholes read, but he's pretty sure that we're not under the crown of England because the Founders didn't compromise on independence.

And, as befits a giant asshole, he got more angry as he talked about what he sees as wrong with the nation, right after he said that the country wasn't angry. He talked about his love of his job and New Jersey, right after he talked about how much time he spent away from the state that elected him governor twice and now despises him with the heat and pain of a spicy pepper sausage hero from the Seaside Heights boardwalk being crapped out. He blew loose stool all over President Obama, who he had embraced as his state's savior in 2012 after the catastrophic storm that flooded him to a huge reelection.

Finally, the disembodied asshole brought it all back to himself because assholes are, if nothing else, self-centered: "Only in America, only in America have we seen time after time after time, the truth of the words that one person can make a difference." This was shortly after the asshole had said, "I heard the President of the United States say the other day that the world respects America more because of his leadership." Putting aside that that's not actually what Obama said, apparently the asshole's "one person" can only be the asshole.

"I mean what I say and I say what I mean and that's what America needs right now," the asshole spit out towards the end of his speech, which didn't have a single actual plan or policy in it.

Then the giant, disembodied asshole sauntered through the vaguely enthusiastic crowd that seemed vaguely suspicious of the asshole. Perhaps that's what's happened since 2012 and 2013. Perhaps, finally, people realized, "Wait a minute. He's just an asshole. Fuck that asshole."

6/30/2015

In Brief: Rand Paul Is So Awesome That He'll Hang Out With a Traitor

Rand Paul is a different kind of politician. He's the kind of presidential candidate who will meet with anyone. Are you a rancher who refuses to pay federal grazing fees that every other rancher has to pay? Did you invite a bunch of armed fucknuts, paranoiacs, and numbskulls to threaten an insurrection against the federal government, which could have killed everyone there with a single Hellfire missile? Are you a crazed racist hick who openly "ponders" if "the Negro" was better off in slavery?

Even if you're all that in one, Rand Paul will meet with you and legitimize your bugfuck insanity, Cliven Bundy.


Obviously, the next step will be for Paul to hang out with Klan members and Aryan Nation "soldiers," followed by a sympathetic jailhouse visit to Dylann Roof. Because that's just how fucking different Rand Paul is from your typical presidential candidate, bitches, and you can't handle his amazing awesomeness and don't you want legal pot?

(Truth be told, earlier today, the Rude Pundit could not, for the life of him, remember whether or not Rand Paul was actually running for president. Not that it matters.)

Post Today?

People, it's been a day, as we used to say down south. Probably elsewhere, too. 

The Rude Pundit has a thing or two to say about the throbbing asshole who sharted his way into the presidential race today. He'll try to get to it tonight. 

6/29/2015

In Brief: Photos That Make the Rude Pundit Want to Guzzle Raki Until He's Blind


That's the police in Istanbul, Turkey, using water cannons, rubber bullets, and tear gas to disperse a gay pride parade that had marched into the central square. No one was exactly sure what pissed off the authorities, but, since it's Ramadan, the festivities probably made some tight-ass, fasting Muslim fundamentalists cranky. The party continued on other blocks, though.

In the United States, you can bet that fuckholes like Mike Huckabee, Bryan Fischer, and Ted Cruz all wished they could hold the hoses at pride parades all over America, blowing the happy right off the celebrating faces.