Duck Dynasty Beard-in-Chief Fantasizes About Raped Children

If you put it in its actual context, the anti-atheist rant by Taliban-bearded fuckbucket Phil Robertson, he of the ratings-challenged Duck Dynasty TV show, is kind of hilarious. See, the actual place was the Vero Beach Prayer Breakfast in, well, Vero Beach, Florida. It's an annual event where, as the organizers' website says, "Inspirational speakers, anointed singing, a delicious breakfast and fellowship with one another make this annual event life-changing for those who attend."

So picture this: a giant white tent, gorgeous in the sunrise, filled with hundreds of people, old people, families with children, all gathered. Flowers decorate every well-appointed table. Local orange juice, coffee, and pastries await the prayer-desiring patrons. Waitpeople in white shirts and black ties take care of everyone. There are opening prayers, songs, and... oh, wait, we don't have to imagine it. Here's what it looked like when people were first arriving:

Just lovely. No doubt, what people were expecting from Phil Robertson was a rousing call to prayer, if not a call to actual arms, along with a few jabs at President Obama and maybe at the culture in general, warrior that Robertson is in that field. So picture it: All these gathered white people dining in the morning, ready for a great time.

And then Robertson got up and spun out a tale of a fantasy atheist husband and father whose home is invaded by two men who rape his atheist daughters, cut off his atheist wife's head, slice off his atheist dick, and mock him by saying that there is no right and wrong because they don't believe in God.

Yeah, that would have been just hilarious to see, the Rude Pundit thought. All those faces gagging on their scrambled eggs. But if you listen to the whole talk? The image of raped little girls and castration was the way Robertson started his sermon. He had another half-hour or more to go, and the audience didn't get up and walk out. The dining pray-people didn't shout him down or say he was wrong. Oh, no, no, no. They listened. Later in the talk, they laughed and cheered and shouted, "Amen!" and applauded.  Phil Robertson didn't alienate the crowd by asking them to picture a vicious crime against nonbelievers. He was speaking their language.

It doesn't even occur to the crowd that what Robertson was saying is beyond some kind of rhetorical pale, let alone impolite breakfast talk. It doesn't occur to Robertson that, really, one can decide that rape and murder and mutilation are wrong without the framework of religion.

So, instead, let's put this out into the universe: A man breaks into Phil Robertson's house and rapes him after tying up Robertson's wife, Kay. Over the next few days, the man rapes the shit out of Robertson, again and again, always in front of Kay. When Robertson's sons try to check on him, the man grabs them and ties them up, using a nail gun to pin their dicks to their chairs. And he rapes Robertson repeatedly, even using various implements to rape him - a duck call, a model duck, a stuffed duck. He just keeps raping Phil Robertson, in the face, in the ass. Sometimes he jacks off on Robertson to mix it up a bit, all while the Duck Dynasty clan watches the rapes and hears their patriarch's cries and moans and, yes, prayers. Finally, before he sets the house on fire and leaves, the exhausted rapist says something.

Now here in our little parable for the damned, the Rude Pundit is conflicted. He can end it with the man saying one of two things.

The man could say, "How come your god didn't stop this from happening?" But that seems too easy, not enough of a mind-rape, too easily dismissed as the madness of the atheist.

How about: Robertson, smelling gasoline, tearfully asks why this has happened. And the man says, "Because God told me to."


Florida: Where the State Government Won't Mention Climate Change, But the Counties Plan for It

Check this shit out:

Those are the climate change pages for four counties in Florida: Miami-Dade Palm Beach, Broward, and Monroe. If you wanted more, you could add in Hillsborough, Sarasota, and other counties that have climate change action plans, if not fancy web pages. Hell, there are monthly meetings in Broward County about climate change.

Because, see, unlike Florida Governor Rick Scott, the local governments don't give a shit about the crazies and the stupids (except in those places where they run things, like Okaloosa County). In obeisance to his funders, Scott may have, officially or unofficially, banned the actual phrase "climate change" from the lips of his agencies' officials. But the climate couldn't give a shit less about vocabulary. It's gonna change. You can either be ready for it or you can just choke on saltwater.

We rarely say anything good about Florida since mostly its citizens and politicians make amazingly hilarious punchlines (and, let's face it, it's through their own actions). Here, though, we can say that the counties are doing what they can. Of course, mostly that's like using a tea cup to bail out the Titanic.

Unlike what we can say about most conservatives, at least it's something.


Imagine a Slightly Different Announcement from Ted Cruz

Imagine an American Muslim man stands in front of an audience of 10,000 Muslims at a college in Virginia to announce that he's running for president. Imagine that audience applauds and cheers for much of what he says.

Imagine that Muslim presidential candidate starts his announcement with "I am thrilled to join you today at the largest Muslim university in the world." And then he continues by telling his family story as a tale of devotion to Islam, saying of his parents, "Imagine a young married couple, living together in the 1970s, neither one of them has a personal relationship with Allah." Imagine that he goes on to describe his parents' separation and his father's journey: "[W]hen he was in Houston, a friend, a colleague from the oil and gas business invited him to a Qu'ran study, invited him to a mosque on Clay Road, and there my father gave his life to Allah, blessed be his name." Imagine that the candidate concludes his parents' story with "There are people who wonder if faith is real. I can tell you, in my family there’s not a second of doubt, because were it not for the transformative love of Allah, I would not have been saved and I would have been raised by a single mom without my father in the household."

Imagine if that Muslim man proclaims that all of our rights come from Allah. Imagine that he promises "a president who says 'We will stand up and defeat radical Christian terrorism.'" Imagine him declaring that "America has enjoyed Allah's blessing" and "Allah’s blessing has been on America from the very beginning of this nation, and I believe Allah isn’t done with America yet" and ending with "Allah be praised." Imagine those thousands and thousands of gathered Muslims yelling their appreciation of the candidate.

That candidate would be laughed out of the election. That candidate wouldn't stand a flea fart's chance in a hurricane. We would be talking about whether he's a threat to the American way of life and whether he would impose Shariah law. But not Ted Cruz. We have to pretend to take him seriously because he's a Christian and just told the world that this is a Christian nation. We have to waste time and energy mocking this idiot, this future loser who sounds like a fifth-grade schoolmarm chiding her students for writing their cursive improperly.

But if you are a Christian devotee of Ted Cruz's and you read this, feeling even the slightest bit uncomfortable at the notion of the fantasy Muslim candidate, well, now you know how the rest of us feel about your man.

(Actually, you're probably thinking that we already have an evil Muslim president, so who cares about you.)


Tom Cotton Pleasures Himself in Front of the Senate

Republican Senator Tom Cotton of Arkansas sauntered to the microphone yesterday in the august chamber of the World's Most Deliberative Body with a long leather box in his hands. He placed the box down on the lectern and opened it to reveal a black velvet interior. Nestled into the velvet was a dildo, a veiny, thick mock dick, circumcised, about ten inches long. It was colored with a desert camouflage pattern. Without saying a word, he unbuckled his pants and pulled them down just enough in the back to reveal his ass. Still silent, some would later say disturbingly so, he took the dildo, held it up for all to see, and then, with one hand, he inserted it into his asshole. The only indication on his face that he was pushing a hard plastic phallus into his sphincter was a determined stare and a couple of sudden intakes of air.

Then he started his speech, one hand on the mic, the other manipulating the dildo, in, out, a twist every now and then. He began by congratulating Israel's Benjamin Netanyahu on his party's wins in the recent elections overseas "for myself and on behalf of 3 million Arkansans," most of whom were on the edge of their seats Tuesday, no doubt, wondering if Likud would keep its plurality in the Knesset.

Hitting his prostate with tickling probing that would soon become thudding force, Cotton continued, "Apparently, President Obama harbors such deep-seated and irrational antipathy for Prime Minister Netanyahu that he is now willing to upend this decades-long alliance. President Obama's antagonism toward Prime Minister Netanyahu is longstanding and well known." And, after bringing up an administration official who called Netanyahu "chickenshit" last year (and was roundly condemned by the White House) and talking about how much Obama just wants to destroy Israel with his love of all things Muslim (or words to that effect), Cotton pulled his pants down in front and grabbed his balls just in time to ejaculate all over the Senate floor.

For Cotton really said that comments from the Obama administration about broadening option as regards an Israeli government no longer even paying lip service to a two-state solution "could very well startle some of the smaller parties and their leaders with whom Prime Minister Netanyahu is currently in negotiations. This raises the question, of course, if the administration intends to undermine Prime Minister Netanyahu's efforts to assemble a coalition by suggesting a change to our longstanding policy of supporting Israel's position with the United Nations."

You got that, right? Tom Cotton, the author of the letter from 47 GOP senators telling Iran not to trust the president on a deal to give up nuclear arms, is worried that the words of the president and his aides might have negative influence on Israel. No, wait. On Netanyahu. Because you can sure as hell bet that had the Zionist Union and Isaac Herzog had won, Cotton wouldn't have said a goddamned word.

Cotton concluded with threats to the United Nations should it say mean things to Israel, too. And, without a hint of shame, his jizz on the ground in front of him, the dildo being moved slowly, delicately, even, Cotton said, "For decades, the relationship between Israel and the United States has transcended political and personal differences. Our shared interests were enough to overcome any ideology or personal disagreement, but I fear mutual respect is of little concern to this administration. The President and all those senior officials around him should carefully consider the diplomatic and security consequences of their words. This Congress certainly will."

He went silent again and removed the dildo from his anus, pulling up his pants after. He took out an anti-bacterial cloth and wiped it down before carefully placing it back in the velvet and shutting the case. As he walked away, Lindsey Graham was heard telling an aide, "Find out where I can get one of those Bibi penises."


Indiana Shows Us How GOP Priorities Will Kill Us All

That is an explosion coming out of a manhole at around 6:45 this morning in downtown Indianapolis, Indiana. It's one place where the NCAA College Basketball Tournament is taking place. In fact, several explosions were reported around downtown, blowing out manhole covers. Indianapolis Power and Light Company has assured the public that this has nothing to do with aging infrastructure. Oh, no. It's about electrical cables and the weather. Just like on Monday.

Oh, yeah, right. Probably should mention here that another explosion occurred on Monday. That was caused by a 35 year-old transformer "malfunctioning," which is totally not infrastructure.

As the city gears up for the games of the Final Four, IPL can't guarantee that more explosions won't occur when thousands of fans are in the streets: "When dealing with a large underground electrical system, incidents like Thursday's are a matter of science and 'the laws of physics will prevail,' said Joe Bentley, senior vice president of customer operations at IPL." Ah, physics. Who can tell what wacky things happen because of its laws?

Speaking of laws, the Indiana General Assembly is meeting to decide on some new laws. No, not about upgrading or improving the electrical grid or the infrastructure or whatever is causing the fiery, smoky explosions in the middle of downtown Indianapolis. There's something far more important that needs the attention of the legislature: making sure that no one has to provide services to fags and dykes.

Sorry, wait, that's an unfair description of the Religious Freedom Restoration Act. Like such measures in other states, it allows businesses, churches, anyone, really, from violating their religion to bake a gay cake. If you feel your "exercise of religion has been substantially burdened, or is likely to be substantially burdened" by putting together a nice bouquet for a lesbian couple, you can refuse and no one can do anything about it or you can sue.

The bill passed through its first test, the House Judiciary Committee, on Monday. A few hours later, the transformer blew out underground near the Capitol, filling the streets with smoke. Last August, a series of transformers exploded, closing down another part of the city. Just like in 2013, 2012, and 2011. Those manhole covers just keep bursting out at all times of year. Someone is gonna get killed.

But at least preachers won't have to marry those gay guys.

(Thanks to John K., the long-lost Rude Two, for the heads up on the stories.)

Late Post Today

Strong Bad is acting like an asshole again. Gotta put an end to that mischief.

Back later with more running rudeness.


Cheney Fade Away

The Rude Pundit was about to write another of his many oh-so-dark-and-clever attacks on former Vice President Dick Cheney. He even had a solid opening line: "Well, if you're gonna get a blow job from a highly-paid whore, it may as well be in Playboy." In an interview with Fox "news" correspondent James Rosen, Cheney talked for over ten hours about his views of himself, President Obama, the world, race, himself, and himself.

Cheney would have been described as some kind of hideous monster, probably oozing from various orifices. The post was going to be filled with all kinds of fellatio imagery, more than a few ejaculations, and probably a good bit of sadomasochism, perhaps even a few tears of joy, of pain. Certainly not of regret. That's how things generally roll around this joint.

But the Rude Pundit just isn't feeling it. And it's not because he has lost any of his deep anger towards Cheney or his firm belief that the ex-VP should be in prison or, barring that, hounded with accusations until his mechanical heart gives out. No, the Rude Pundit doesn't lack hatred. He just lacked the passion today. And why?

Because when he read the Playboy interview with Cheney, the overwhelming feeling the Rude Pundit had was...well, let's put it this way: You know how your aunt had a dog, maybe a Spitz or a Shih Tzu, one of those nasty small-to-medium sized dogs that will bite you if it's feeling remotely pissy. And you know how you'd go over to your aunt's place with your parents when you were a kid, and they'd tell you to play with the dog, but the dog would scare the hell out of you and your fear would make it bite you, and you'd just hate the dog even more and the dog wouldn't care and just bite you? And you'd dread going to visit your aunt because you knew the dog would try to bite you? But then, years later, you're a young adult and you go to visit your aunt on your own. There's that damn dog, but, like your aunt, it's gotten older. It's blind, maybe deaf, incontinent, limping around, but the goddamned thing is still snarling at you. not that it could do anything about it. Now you know that it should just be put down at this point. It's just a sad thing, kept alive only because your aunt loves the dog for some reason. You, though, you now can look on this previously terrifying beast and think, "God, how pathetic you are." It's not pity as much as a feeling that you know the world has left this particular dog behind. There will be other vicious dogs, yes, sure, but this one is, thankfully, almost done. In the end, you realize just how superior you are to the dog because, at the end of the day, it's just a dog.

The entire interview is really just Cheney attempting to remake history. Cheney takes every negative thing that was said about the Bush/Cheney administration and turns it around to blame Obama. See, we're all wrong: Bush was right about everything in foreign policy; Obama is wrong. Bush did everything right for the economy; Obama just screwed it up. Cheney says, "[W]e are going to pay a hell of a price just trying to dig out from under his presidency." Yes, just like Bush dug us out of all that peace and a decent economy that Bill Clinton left us with. Actually, that quote seems like the kind of projection that a serial killer uses when he thinks every victim is actually the father who beat him.

The interview goes on, far too long (and it's only a tenth of what was recorded), with Cheney offering insights into what happened in Ferguson, Missouri: "I don’t think it is about race." Or how awesome it was that we keep prisoners at Gitmo: "I can’t count the hours we spent in what I considered to be—obviously others [chuckles] had a different view—a totally wasted exercise, arguing about 'Let’s close Guantánamo.'" Or how he was right about Vladimir Putin and how even his boss was right about the Russian leader: "I’m not critical of the president for the way he dealt with Putin. I think he handled it pretty well."

Twice, Cheney brings up Obama's 2009 speech in Cairo, where Obama said, " 9/11 was an enormous trauma to our country. The fear and anger that it provoked was understandable, but in some cases, it led us to act contrary to our ideals. We are taking concrete actions to change course." Of course, to Cheney (and many conservatives), this is just an outright betrayal, although, to be fair, if it is, it's a betrayal of Bush and Cheney, not the United States. Cheney characterizes Obama's words as an "apology," which it clearly was not. Cheney said Obama said that "the U.S. overreacted to the events of 9/11, was a huge mistake." Except Obama didn't. What he said was that there was a new sheriff in town. An election by the citizens of the United States changed the course (not as much on Gitmo, but, on other things, it did), not Obama. Of course, we know where Cheney stands on the legitimacy of elections.

But none of it matters. Cheney got away with it, all of it, all of the secret meetings, the approval of torture, involvement with Scooter Libby and in the Valerie Plame affair. And now he's just the ruins of himself, powerless, that snarling old pet that gets a few scratches behind his ear to keep going, but, ultimately, just the fading remnants of the imperious beast he once was.


Don't Bring Your God to a People Fight

Let's face it. Strong religious belief involves a kind of Stockholm syndrome. You have this all-powerful figure who you want to please because, if you do, you'll go to a paradise of figs and pussy or clouds and singing, whatever floats your boat, or, if you don't, you'll be punished with an eternity of some kind of Hell, depending on the flavor of your faith. But you, being brainwashed by years of mindless rituals and propaganda, don't just say, "That seems like a bullshit deal by from a manipulative motherfucker." No, you believe this with all your heart and, what's more, you love this all-powerful figure, this G/god, and you think that nothing happens without his (for the most part) say-so. You pray when you're told to pray. You pretend you're a cannibal. You avoid pork or beef products. Because you are thrilled to please your G/god, you'll condemn anyone who doesn't buy your faith flavor in a kind of "Fuck you, Pepsi lovers. Coke, bitches" way. You might even be so deluded that you think you need to kill people who like Pepsi. Or Jesus. Or leprechauns. Either way. And it's all because you think - no, you know - that your G/god is watching everything everyone does, thinking, "Will this get me pussy and figs or a lake of fire?" and deciding what you do based on keeping G/god smiling on you. That idea inspires you to action, for good, for bad, for stupid. And it inspires lots of people to say dumb shit.

See, if you're gonna invoke your G/god, you gotta think about the consequences of doing so.

Someone who didn't do that was Thomas Dunn, a Leesburg, Virginia, town council member. He was reacting to Phillip Thompson, the head of the local NAACP saying that "if the government hadn’t intervened, I would still be a slave in the field picking cotton" during a discussion of hiring practices at a meeting.

Dunn was outraged, as one is when a black person dares to acknowledge that there was a past. He let everyone know it. "Shame on you, Mr. Thompson, for throwing slavery into this discussion," Dunn said. "There are people who feel that . . . government is supposed to be the answer to everything, and Mr. Thompson, I don’t believe that government freed our slaves we had in this country. That was an evil that this country had. It was the hand of God touching the hearts of man that freed those slaves."

So, just to follow the "logic," such that it is, Dunn is saying that his G/god knew that slavery was wrong and "evil." Then what the fuck took him hundreds, if not thousands of years to touch some motherfucking hearts or maybe smiting a bitch or two to end slavery? If he could have done it but just didn't, your god is a big dick. And if this god of yours is all-fuckin'-powerful, why is there still slavery going on? Don't answer with not-knowing-the-ways-of-God bullshit when you just said you quite specifically knew the ways of your god.

Dunn tried to explain his comments with "I feel much of our government has been ordained and established by men under the influence of God." The Rude Pundit has read history books. He's pretty sure that much of our government was ordained and established by men under the influence of liquor, which, hell, why not, you can say God created.

It's a nonsensical thing that religious right-wingers of all stripes do, bringing G/god into an argument that G/god has no place in, If your G/god were real, he'd probably think, "The fuck I got to do with that? I made your fuckin' planet. Deal with it." Instead, we get, for example, Rep. Paul Ryan, who said in 2012, "Our rights come from nature and God, not government." How did they come from God? Or does he mean the Bible? Conservatives say this shit and don't think about the implications.

Whether it's your G/god says to blow yourself up on a bus or your G/god thinks gays getting married is icky, what you're really saying is that your almighty being is either too lazy or too weak to do shit himself. Or he's an asshole who does things on his own time. And you better shut the fuck up and smile because here's some figs or here's a red-hot anus-poker. Which do you want?