Dead Pestilence: A Word or Two on Roger Ailes

I hope Roger Ailes died screaming. I hope he felt every sensation of pain from the subdural hematoma he suffered; I hope that the shocks wracked his worn-out sack of a body. I hope that, in the throes of that pain, he realized he was dying and he cried out that he wanted to come back, that he didn’t want his last act on earth to have been his dismissal as a lecher and a rapist. I hope he died screaming.

Roger Ailes was a rabid swine, barreling through the fertile cornfields of America and devouring everything in his path, animal, mineral, or vegetable, and then shitting it out as a foamy diarrhea that was lapped up by the rats and roaches that followed his destructive path. Nearly every phase of his too-long life was one betrayal of truth and rationality after another, each one crueler and more harmful than the last. From inflicting upon us Nixon and Reagan and a pair of Bushes and Trump to his creation of Fox News, as insidious a propaganda wing as has ever been devised, each time Ailes one-upped himself in action, staying true to his view of power as being only for the powerful and that power needed to be forced upon the powerless like a fat male executive telling a female employee that the only way to get ahead was to fuck him. And Ailes did that repeatedly to the women who encountered him.

Every chance that Ailes had, he took embers and blew them into infernos with his stinking, wheezing breath. He worked for Nixon and took Tricky Dick's hatred of the media and made it flesh. He worked for Reagan and taught the Gipper that facts were the enemy. He worked for Bush, Sr. and conspired with Lee Atwater to bury Michael Dukakis in the the mud and shit. Fox News came along shortly before the Bill Clinton impeachment nightmare, and Ailes made sure that the United States had to be dragged through it because it was ratings gold, pushing any crazed conspiracy that could take a blow job and turn it into a national crisis. After that, Fox News under Ailes essentially set the nation's agenda, along with his fellow bloated garbage bag, Rush Limbaugh. And a good chunk of the nation went gone along, drinking his Kool-Aid like it was piss from Jesus, finding comfort in the madness that Fox and its children like Breitbart present. The rest of the media began to take its cues from Fox because they allowed Fox to call the tunes.

Ailes wanted to debase anyone who didn't bow down to him and his corrupt, materialistic ideology, and the odious Rupert Murdoch gave Ailes Fox as his vehicle for vengeance. Ask Hillary Clinton, who has been Ailes's victim for the longest period. Ask the family of George Tiller, the doctor who performed abortions and was gunned down by someone deluded by Fox's stars, the depraved O'Reilly, the revolting Hannity. Ask Gary Condit, the Democratic congressman whose non-involvement in the death of an intern was the focus of Fox's monomania before 9/11 blew that off the front page. Ask the families of the soldiers who died in Iraq, a war that Fox demanded be fought lest politicians want to be tarred as unAmerican. Ask John Kerry, a war hero who was demeaned by the ludicrous and false allegations of the Swift Boat Vets, lies pushed endlessly by Fox, until he lost the presidential race.

And Ailes would make sure that the conservative version of any issue was given prominence. So science and authority had to be derided, as with Fox's support for climate change denialism. So protesters marching against police or war had to be demonized and the Tea Party fucknuts had to be lionized because they were valiant patriots standing up to the authoritarian Barack Obama. The lies that Ailes spun formed a cocoon around the minds of millions.

From the right and even from the left, you're hearing about what a good guy Ailes could be, how he was a great party guest and "raconteur." Goddamn, I'm sick of hearing how terrible human beings can be great hangs. It's a despicable way to judge a person with power. You judge them by how they use their power. So who the fuck cares if George W. Bush is a fun guy? Who the fuck cares if Donald Trump can be charming?

Roger Ailes was a sentient dumpster filled with heaps of lies and an enormous appetite for control. We shouldn't give a single mouse shit about how he could tell a funny story about Mike Douglas. The guy bought his hometown newspaper, warped it to suit his beliefs, and then had the employees spied on because he thought they might be saying mean things about him. He was a racist, sexist, xenophobic slug who sexually assaulted multiple women. Fuck that Jabba the Hutt-looking motherfucker. We should all be thrilled that he doesn't infect the earth he helped ruin anymore.

Down in Hell, Ailes thought he might be able to make a deal with Satan. "Listen, Lucifer, buddy, you've got some PR problems. Lemme make one or two ghost visits to Steve Doocy. I promise you that we'll get you some solid Q ratings," he told the Devil. Satan didn't care because, well, he's Satan. So he locked Ailes in a red room surrounded by windows. On the other side of the windows were women. At least he thought they were women but he couldn't be entirely sure because their backs were to him. He tried to talk to them, to charm them, to threaten them, anything to get them to turn around, to look at him, to listen to him. They did not. Then, above him, a drip started, just a drop at a time. He didn't even see it until it had formed a tiny puddle on the floor. Ailes realized it was shit.

And he realized there was no drain.

And he realized that he could only watch as it slowly, agonizingly, began to pool.


Republicans Wanted to Impeach Obama Over Something, Anything, But Avoid It for Trump

In 2013, then-Senator Tom Coburn mused at a town hall meeting, "I don’t have the legal background to know if that rises to ‘high crimes and misdemeanors,’ but I think you’re getting perilously close." Coburn, a Republican (obviously) brought up impeachment of President Obama as a possible response to unspecified things that Obama had done. Mostly, presidenting while black, but probably Coburn would have said, "Something, something, something, immigrants."

Around the same time, Republican Representative Blake Farenthold, 100 pounds of shit in a fifty pound bag from Fuck If I Care, Texas, told his constituents, who totally believed that Obama was born in Africa, "If we were to impeach the president tomorrow, we would probably get the votes in the House of Representatives to do it." Walking cold sore Ted Cruz bemoaned to a bunch of his drooling maniacs, "To successfully impeach a president you need the votes in the U.S. Senate." Neither Farenthold nor Cruz, in course of making Texas even dumber, gave any grounds for impeachment, just a general sense of something not right (see above, "presidenting while black").

In 2013 and 2014, the Tea Party plague rats kept demanding to know why that goddamn Muslim Kenyan who was making us all into healthy gay Communists wasn't being impeached. And their members of Congress were more than willing to indulge their idiot fantasy for a few whoops at rallies and a bunch of votes.

At least pubic hair-topped Rep. Jason Chaffetz wanted to impeach Obama for a reason: the attack on the American consulate in Benghazi, Libya (which, as you know, was worse than 100 9/11s times a dozen Pearl Harbors). And skeevy shitworm Steve King was hyped to impeach over Obama not being a complete dick to undocumented immigrant kids.

There's a fuckin' Wikipedia page devoted to all the reasons why Republicans talked about impeaching Obama, eight years worth. And not a goddamned one of them rises to the level of a single thing Donald Trump has done in the last four months.

A couple of Republicans are hinting at being open to impeachment. But the best representation of the cowardice and cravenness that is the GOP right now is that the Republicans in the House just blocked a vote on establishing an independent commission to investigate Russia's interference in the 2016 election.

It's not just hypocrisy by many of the same Republicans who wanted to lynch Obama for every fake scandal they could conjure. Now, with Trump, they are likely aiding and abetting a pile of high crimes and a shit load of misdemeanors.


Trump Bumbles His Way to Malevolence

One movie line that I keep seeing as a way of defining the nihilistic, ego-driven politics of Donald Trump is from The Dark Knight, when Alfred says to Bruce Wayne, "Some men just want to watch the world burn." But I'd go with a different line from the same movie, when the Joker, dressed in a nurse's outfit, says to a maimed Harvey Dent, "Do I really look like a guy with a plan?"

There are a lot of things you can say against the administration of George W. Bush, and we should never forget them. We should never forget that they lied us into war. We should never forget the utter failure of the federal government to help Americans after Hurricane Katrina. We should never forget the policies that brought us to the brink of financial ruin. As terrible as Donald Trump is, let us not lose sight of how catastrophic Bush was.

If nothing else, though, you could say that the Bush administration was operating under a coherent ideology. It might have been a worthless, corrupt, and utterly false ideology. But there were guiding principles - the spread of democracy, trickle-down economics, and privatization of the government. The actions of President Bush did damage to the nation that will likely take generations to recover from. Still, you can't fault him for not having a philosophy of governance (or at least Cheney, Rumsfeld, Rove, et al had a philosophy and Bush just went along for the ride).

As Trump bumbles along, lost in his dementia cloud, blown aloft by yes-men and yes-women, he is simply going with his gut, not caring who he angers or betrays or offends, thinking that his every action must be innately awesome because he has been told, unendingly, that he is awesome. His gut, he told his slavering idiot hordes, made him a rich man (ignoring that having a rich father made him a rich man). And those hordes believed him and most still believe him to this day.

But going with your gut is not a plan. There is no control. There is no grand ideology. There is merely Trump. And, obviously, whatever Trump thinks in the moment is correct and, if you're in his administration, you agree and support it or you're gone. Yet, perhaps for the first time in his life, Trump is facing an opposing force that doesn't leap at his whims. And he's so dumb that he probably really thought that the president is like a CEO.

The pattern of Trump's capricious actions in the first part of his presidency is pretty consistent: What will make him look good in the moment? Got the Chinese president at your party house for dinner? Brag about bombing Syria over dessert. Hanging out with a pair of Russian officials? Show that you have the best intelligence (even if it's actually Israeli intelligence), secrecy, classification, and identity of the source be damned. It was the pathetic action of a man who could never make his father proud (if we're opening the nickel-therapy booth here).

As for his behavior with former FBI director James Comey, it now seems likely that Trump fired Comey because he felt chastened when Comey wouldn't give in to his good-buddy cajoling and lay off Michael Flynn. Trump doesn't like to be denied and doesn't like to lose control. And he had with Flynn and the Russia investigation.

The only thing working in Trump's favor right now is that Republicans aren't scared enough to care enough to act on all this. Oh, they make little noises about caring, but mostly, Trump has a party of willfully blind parasites that won't check or balance him. It's depressing because we don't expect anything more from Republicans. We knew they were going to catch Trump and push him back up like a group of Pizza Hut employees on a forced team-building exercise of trust falls.

We are in a pattern right now where each day will bring a new revelation of some new action by Trump that pushes into impeachable, if not traitorous, behavior. Each day we await some Republican to take the key that they have to unlock their handcuffs and do something about it. We can't take it. As a nation, as individuals, as communities, this is taking a terrible toll on us. It's like we're in some cruel psychological experiment where we see how much crisis we can take before we break.

There is no plan. There is no ideology. Trump's utter incompetence and unabashed ignorance is a kind of malevolence, especially if it's aided by a congress of co-conspirators who do, in fact, know better.

(Wouldn't it be crazy if Jason Chaffetz actually becomes the hero here on his way out to the big Fox money?)


Trump Administration Expands Cruel Anti-Abortion Gag Rule Bigly

Often, the worst fuckery occurs where you're not even sure the type of fuckery that's happening. So it is with a statement today from the Department of State (motto: "One world under Exxon") announcing a massive expansion of the Reagan-era "Mexico City Policy" in language that seems to hide its true intent. The bullshit "policy" already "blocks international family planning assistance through the U.S. Agency for International Development to any groups or programs that provide or even mention abortions to women, or speak out about abortion laws in their own countries."

But that wasn't fucked up enough for the ferocious fetus fellaters of the right, who are drooling in anticipation of stacking up the corpses of women like firewood. So now we're getting the "Protecting Life in Global Health Assistance" plan. And if you thought the U.S. government preventing any mention of abortion in $600 million worth of programs, wait'll you see how much damage can be done with $8.8 billion in support for foreign non-governmental organizations.

In the press release, the State Department defines "global health assistance" as "funding for international health programs, such as those for HIV/AIDS, maternal and child health, malaria, global health security, and family planning and reproductive health." You got that? It means that if a pregnant woman in Angola with Zika is told by the nurse at an NGO that her fetus has been impacted by the disease and the NGO receives funds from USAID, that nurse can't even wink and say, "How about a schmabortion?"

Is that juvenile and kind of dumb? Well, so's the fuckin' policy. And so's the press release because you know what word is not in the whole document announcing a savagely backwards policy on abortion as medical necessity? Abortion. It doesn't fucking mention "abortion" once, so it sounds like a bland revision when it's actually a kick in the teeth to women in countries where NGO provide the only health care available. It hides the awful fuckery.

Instead, it says, "All foreign NGOs will have the opportunity to receive global health assistance awards if they indicate their agreement to abide by the terms of Protecting Life in Global Health Assistance by accepting the provisions in their award." Yep, spreading freedom, one threat at a time. But at least the nutzoid fundamentalist Christians are happy and can continue with the worship of their golden calf named Trump.

By the way, you know what the doubly-pathetic part of this assertion of patriarchal power over women's bodies is? It doesn't work. In fact, the abortion rate went up in a bunch of countries during the W. Bush administration, when the gag rule was in place. Amazing, right? That preventing women from having access to contraception and pregnancy care might end up with more abortions occurring? It's almost as if facts don't matter.

Oh, right.


Need a Pick-Me-Up in this Terrible Time? Here's Lynched Jefferson Davis

That statue of a white man dangling from a crane is of Jefferson Davis, who was the president of the defeated nation of racist traitors known as the Confederate States of America. For all the world, it looks like a well-deserved lynching. His monument in New Orleans used to be on the median (or "neutral ground," in New Orleans parlance) where Canal Street meets the still-stupidly-named Jefferson Davis Parkway. New Orleans is in the midst of taking down four monuments to the Confederacy because, apparently, it only takes 150 years and a few massacres to realize that celebrating the legacy of the enemies of the United States is fucking ridiculous, especially when those enemies were fighting to keep slaves and the majority of the city's citizens are African Americans. Seem kind of fucking obvious, doesn't it? Would you want to walk by a statue of someone who wanted to keep the literal rape of your ancestors legal?

The slave rapist supporters turned out, too, flying their loser flag of rapists and slaveowners and poor dumbasses who just went along with the rapists and slaveowners. Or, you know, Trump voters. Because blah, blah, blah heritage, history, and who the fuck cares. Whatever their reasons are for keeping the mounuments up, they're wrong.

As for what will be done with the statues and plaques and pedestals, for now, they will go into storage. After Davis, they'll be taking down General Beauregard and Robert E. Lee, both scumfucking pigs, no matter what "noble" justification Lee claimed to have. They might end up at a museum to contextualize them better than they are now.

But I've got an idea. Get a giant furnace on site. Melt down the statues right in front of the protesters. Then pour the liquid into cock-shaped molds. When they cool and harden, hand them out to the white supremacists, neo-Confederates, and one-toothed yahoos there and tell 'em to shove it up their assholes and go fuck themselves with it.


Just Fucking Stop With the Whole "Democrats Wanted Comey Fired" Excuse

Our mad president, Donald Trump, a man who looks like he forgot his lines as Willy Loman in a community theatre production of Death of a Salesman and he's just desperately making shit up until someone gives him a cue he remembers or the curtain just comes down, keeps insisting that Democrats shouldn't be kicking up a fuss about his firing of FBI Director James Comey. Why? Because, you losers, Democrats sure wanted Comey fired for the Hillary Clinton email fuckery before the election. So, in Trump's shrinking mind, they should just shut the fuck up and be happy about Comey's sacking.

On his pathetic slow fart of a Twitter page, Trump's made no less than a half-dozen comments and taunts about Democrats' outrage over his actions. These include the fucking bizarro sight of the President of the whole goddamned United States mocking his apparent arch-nemesis Rosie O'Donnell for having tweeted in December, "Fire Comey," to which Trump replied, "We finally agree on something Rosie." Yeah, he left out the damn comma between "something" and "Rosie." Because obviously a Wharton education doesn't include basic lessons in English.

He also tweeted this classic of are-you-fucking-kidding-me playground bullying: "Cryin' Chuck Schumer stated recently, 'I do not have confidence in him (James Comey) any longer.' Then acts so indignant." Schumer did indeed say that in November. And his "cryin'" was when he choked up talking about Trump's malignant Muslim ban, so, obviously, that was worthy of endless insults. What fuckin' tool our president is.

Despite changing his story on why Comey was fired like he's changing wives, Trump is getting support from many of the usual squealing piglets of the right. The New York Post went totally up Trump's sphincter, calling Democrats' anger "typical left-wing hypocrisy." The GOP put out a video attacking Democrats for saying that Comey ought to be fired way back in 2016. Rush Limbaugh jiggled and undulated in rage, accusing Democrats of "literally being eaten alive with an irrational, raw hatred literally absorbing them." (Feel free to make your own fat joke about what Limbaugh has eaten alive and literally absorbed.)

Lemme see if I can put this in a way that even the stupidest right-winger can understand, which still would leave out Limbaugh.

Let us say, and why not, that you're a guy who has been in a relationship with another guy, call him "Jimmy," for a few years, and you've been living together for a good part of the time. It's been okay; Jimmy's a decent lay and he cleans up around the house. Mostly, you've just got so many of the same friends and same stuff that at this point, it's just too fuckin' tiring to separate all that shit out.

But let us say, and, indeed, why not, that you catch Jimmy flirting with other guys at a bar one night, and you're pretty sure that when he said he was going outside for some air, he was fucking around. You wanna break up with him. Really badly, you wanna break up. You even tell some of your good friends that you think you should end it.

You don't, though. The rent is due and you figure you'll throw Jimmy's ass out after he pays his share. So you wait, not realizing that this month your lease, with both your names on it, just renewed automatically and you're stuck for the time being. Fuck. Okay, you think, you'll break up with him when you're able to. Meanwhile, you'll just suck it up since he's started cooking and being totally great with your family.

One night, you wake up and the apartment is on fire, just burning down. And you're fucked, inhaling smoke, unable to see. But along comes Jimmy and he is fuckin' on it. He's got you, leading you away from the burning apartment and to the stairs. Yeah, the fire is on your heels, but Jimmy is there, making sure you can get away.

And then Donald Trump walks up to you guys and shoots Jimmy in the face, killing him.

"What the fuck?" you say to Donald Trump. "He was gonna save me!"

Donald Trump smirks, "You say that now, but you wanted to break up with him before." The building is an inferno. "And, oh, by the way," Trump says, "I lit the fire."


The Dark Timeline Gets Darker: Brief Thoughts on the Comey Firing

Let's lay out some brief thoughts here on the fuckery that's occurred today in the firing of FBI Director James Comey by President Donald Trump.

1. Comey should have been fired by President Obama for his interference in the 2016 election. He was a completely vindictive bastard to Hillary Clinton in his letter about...oh, fuck you know all this shit. Fuck that guy. Hard.

2. The Deputy Attorney General said that Comey's dismissal was recommended because of his handling of the Clinton investigation, including his press conference announcing no charges and his statements close to the election about the emails on Huma Abedin's computer. Comey has lied his ass off since about that latter action.

3. But there is no fucking way that that is the reason that Trump fired Comey. The FBI is anal-probing the connections between the Trump campaign/administration and Russia. And if Trump gave a happy monkey fuck about Comey's handling of the Clinton email case, well, who the fuck keeps such an incompetent prick on the payroll, running a giant intelligence-gathering and law enforcement agency, for months?

4. No, fuck that. The Clinton shit is an obvious cover story. Comey was fired because he's dangerous. He's fired because Trump wants heads to put on the White House fence to threaten others. He can line up Comey's next to the noggins of Sally Yates and Preet Bharara. Trump's letter of dismissal said, in part, "I greatly appreciate you informing me, on three separate occasions, that I am not under investigation." Jesus, how pathetic to shiv a man while you talk about how awesome you are. How frightening that Trump seems to be discrediting anything that comes out of the FBI against him now that Comey is gone.

4a. And Trump had been ordering Jeff Sessions to find a reason to fire Comey since at least last week. These fuckin' fascists.

5. Not scared yet? We no longer have a functioning Justice Department. We don't have a Congress that will check or balance the president in even the smallest ways. We have a president who doesn't care about anything other than protecting his orange ass and centralizing all power within him and his small cadres of hellspawn and spunk monkeys. And he's gonna appoint someone from that cadre to erase the investigations so he can gallivant on with his awful presidency.

6. Yeah, fuck Comey for what he did. But fuck anyone who thinks this is okay, that it's all cool just because Trump can fire the people he's fired. And fuck us, again and again, for allowing this mongrel age to happen.

6a. Fuck us even harder if an independent investigation isn't launched on this and everything else.

7. Somewhere, the corpse of Niccolo Machiavelli is laughing its bony ass off.

8. In Hell, Richard Nixon rolled his eyes and wondered where the fuck this GOP was back in the 1970s. And then he was dipped back into the shit pit.